I SO WANT but feel like I can’t …even …
yeah WRITE ABOUT IT …about Greenhouse Berlin
about what’s going on here …
in this so-called greenhouse/artist-house here, this experience going into being 2 years deep now (I did document some of the visual sides of the fragmenting experiences of winter 2015-2016 in these *photos & video-clips which all together say it way better than I will be able to do now). …being a time that I feel as if I might have been a bit unfit for. But when searching for how it could fit in, or somehow even be familiar, then I find that in personal growth I do tend to end up diving in hard. So perhaps it just happened automatically/naturally, as meant to be, since most everything is part of personal growth. …for me at least. And something up in this place, having been so intense, tells me that there is some clearly-to-me old-related patterns reapearing, messing up my way, and even blocking me, getting me affected too easy. … and now in this GHB house I’m heavier stuck than ever before!
While I’ve been unable to do anything, and as of yet still feel so damn stuck, I do see and feel here as well (of course) I can be anything I want and percieve or not, whatever by own choice in this damn environment, and make my very own extractions from even this place (since there is some good among bad as well, and sometimes even directly or extremely). But lately I’m not even able to be my own creator, so it’s all feelin’ seemingly so pointless.
So “funny” what this place makes me occupy my being with! Utterly nbelievable!
So often I’ve jokingly said »fake it till you make it« and I know this funny tip works in the right hands, but I can’t fake it really, and hardly ever really could. But I’m used to having humor, which apparently covers the averagely known signs of a sad, depressed, loney, stuck n traumatized~anxietyfull, self-loathing adult, containing the soul of a bruised little child, who refused to grow up because of the mostly miserable and pathetic adult-world that was displayed around me.
Well yeah, that is part of my own self analysis. …a pretty common theme of the human though. ..more negative than positive I mean.
When Mika and I moved me in here, there was no stove, just two small cooking things with thick layers of burned old caramelized food on them. Then Mika brought a used cool looking /steel-stove.
At the time the floor was an office floor, the most quiet and neat of the entire house. It had 3 big empty rooms, and there was hardly any things in our commonspaces.
Later he also brought a cool steel serving-trolley and a steel corner kitchen table. But it turned out, as the rooms were getting filled with new party life style renters, that the more surfaces, and the larger the surfaces, the more mess n filth which seemed to be growing on them all by the minute. …so eventually, after a few months, I had to do the most easy n logic kind of sollution, and took the trolley, cleaned it, and cramped it into my studio room, and gave some other rack of stainless steel to my installation artist friend Karima.
You can almost see the steel trolley in the lower left corner of this photo. …well just a tiny part of the handle.
SmilaZ Berlin ARTIST-STUDIO jul.2015-jul.2017
Eventually another party-couple moved in, who were a wanna-be hippie and a squatter. And within a week we started having flies in winter! The girl was basically putting all types of foods and fruits and veg. out side the fridge, and all the time leaving dishes n other used stuff with half eaten foods, on our dining/meeting/common-space work-table, being a nasty mess on top of what already was accumulating here, from the constantly zooded n careless people. And all though I managed to do some work that turned out to get rid of the flies in less that 24 hours, while this new girl Clara, was away on festivals, as soon as she returned, the flies (as if returned with her) were as well back within 48 hours. And nobody seemed to give a damn about that or anything. But everyone always comming knocking at my door for borrowing any and every freakin thing possible, several times a day.
But even worse was, that my own boyfriend (at that time) of nearly 7years, started arguing against me, regarding those flies not being a normal thing to have during cold winter, all though where we previously lived together, our compost bin only had flies during the winter, every single year. Yeah a total Narsisist! So anti-team, anti-pertners in life, unsupportive, so mean.
Then this Clara girl broke up with her day&night-stoned boyfriend, and started seeing a new guy on our floor (who’s body hairs were all over the bathroom) and as they had just gotten together, and she must have told him confidently about me having trouble with all the dirt n filth everywhere, because suddenly he had left on the table, a tiny plate with a plain spaghetti portion, way-to-big for the plate. Everything about it just seemed like provoking me on purpose to show her, that he was on her side, (unlike my cold ass narsisist boyfriend). But I told myself, no that can’t be, that would be too childish, but as we had to move all in the kitchen a bit around for the new cut in the wall, to make a half open kitchen, a ton of the smaller kitchen things were put out of the way, and some to the side where this guys door happened to be.And as he saw the little plate of spaghetti there, he immediately started making an issue out of it to me, and then she came into the scene as well, and they were basically both saying, that everything is fine and normal clean, so that I must be crazy. …it felt as if some conspiracy against me, right in my face. And in the next days they put a rotten portion of food covered with a plate, on our now brand new kitchen counter. This time I was not doubting the provocation-attempt at all, but in order not to let myself loose my mind, I turned my humor on it, and made an installation “worth € 7.000.000,-” out of it ~ *see in this Video.
(here is another crazy-world video, of those that i can hardly believe that I actually have made!)
AND HERE IS ONE OF THE VERY LAST AND MORE NORMAL VIDEOS I MADE, right before I moved out of there, at which time actually I had grown fond of some new floor-mates.
More about GHB.