I remember all too well, so many feelings from childhood, about some things in life; it’s become needless to say that I don’t want any people without empathy around me, and neither any egoistic and self righteous individuals around me, but … I also don’t want alcohol in my life, (and I don’t want (to even know or ever hear about!) that anyone sells or buys or otherwise violates the most intimate a human has, in this world we live in), I don’t want drugs around me, I don’t want chaos and disorder around me, I don’t want laziness and people of no creative AMBITTIONS around me.

It pulls me down and stresses me out.

I do want loving people around me, but those kinds that are active and ambitious, with whom we share the feelings that everything is possible. !!!

I want health oriented and sporty people around me, who have very creative passion.

Because I want to be driven with inspiration and passion. To feel like me again, after having been immobilized in a somethings that seem like a long coma full of mostly heavy nightmares.

I don’t tend to have nightmares. …otherwise.

And I tend to always be driven with creative passion.

And I’m used to very neat and pleasing feeling order in at home in all material things and cozy cleanliness. Once learned, adapted and intergrated, it feels worth all the efforts of becoming like that, and it feels so good, and all your surroundings feel the best they could. It causes over all effects on all parts and things in your life!

And when those neat zen-feelings surroundings get bigger and wider with times of growth and relocation, and are connected with stunning nature, blue skies and sea air, then I become the most loving and giving, everytime. That’s what it builds up in me, each time I’ve been there.

Just like daily sport makes you feel possitive and strong, changing the filter through which you live to a better one, making you realize that there even is this sort of filter at all, which is caused~made by any state of being.

I am myself so spacy and sensitive of nature, and creativity flows with my ever reflecting, observing, contemplating, analyzing and decoding mind, in which there is hardly ever any moment of silence and nothingness. So I have got to have an invironment that distracts me out of that seemingly passive looking state, which isn’t passive at all, but full on and exhausting.

I have got to be in an ambitious and loving~supporting environment, which actively inspires me to just actually be active outside my minds activities as well.

I want and naturally need to keep learning and growing, so my environment can not only be loving. It has got to be interesting and progressive for me as well.

I can’t keep bumping into people with ways that slow my progress down.

Well, so for me, all it takes for me, besides sharing interest enough to keep connecting our actions, and all I’m talking about, that is the sum of all what it takes me for me to REALLY BE LIVING AND KEEP LOVING. …besides good health.

How would you say it is for you? It is very useful to be very clear about; What are your own experience-chosen most important basics, for you to feel that you’re really living and growing?


-part 2- Forehead To Forehead Leaning On Each Other

Just as I had decided and was still in the days of accepting that *he would never call,

*Forhead To Forhead Leaning On Each Other -part 1-

I was sitting and writing another wordpress article, about us humans, involving love and fear, the two main factors that our entire species psyche is operating in and from, constantly all the time. And surely enough, in that, at some point, he came into my writing again.

But in the middle of it he called. …and any and all mysteries got solved.

But anyway back to this -part 2- here; So, he interrupted my whole other world of dissapointed-with-him-Again vibes, so that I had a total culture shock-/jetlag- type of trip from it. And on top of that, within 24 hoursfrom hid call, we met in Dresden!, later that night.

It felt both too neutral and calm, which could have been a good wise or mature thing. But then everytime passionate personal expression (for more connection) would start happening, then he either iterrupted with something totally impersonal, or just otherwise changed the subject.

I felt he was uninterested (in real human things/what matters the most in real/prescious human connection) and thereby uninterested in my person and feelings of things, unintelligently disrespectful with his lack of listening. It started to make him unsympatic, as it showed lack of cultivation, knowledge, things on deeper levels, experience, empathy, which is the general sums of the lack of wisdom.

I started feeling the disconnection, and the arguments we had on the 2nd day already, were just supporting that as well.

3rd morning was early departure in this hotel, so as I had wandered half lost home alone the night before, I had locked the door from within, so even though he had his keycard, he wouldn’t get in unless he’d make me hear him at the door.

So I woke up alone, and had everything ready to be fast down for breakfast and wait for my good friend Alex to pick me up.

But as I sat there alone at my breakfast table, I noticed myself gazing towards the people coming from the elevators, still holding on to, that he could come to his senses and walk over to me from there any moment, expressing the right things.

But I knew already now, that this was my own romantic version of the story, and eventually he walked directly from there, out to the smoking spot right outside the front doors of the hotel, and his walk appeared intoxicated.

I had just finished with breakfast and was as well ready with my coffe for a cigarette, and now I was curious about this drunk looking condition he seemed to be in. So I went out there.

He had aparently drunken with some people and smoked weed, fallen asleep on the way back to the hotel, been woken up by some bypassing kind people and had made it back super wasted in the morning

As I had arrived a couple of hours earlier, I had gone to the night-watcher in the reception, and asked if there was anything at all to eat, and he had replied, no, not until 7am. And it was sometime after 4am at the time. So I took my serious, bad mood drunken face up to bed. And apparently the same regeptionl guy, had followed his drunken highness up to the door, and found him at our door, unable to get in, and kindly offered and advised him to sleep in another room two doors down the hall, which he had willfully accepted.

But apparently there was not enough sleep time for him to sober up.

I just stood there, amd just like the evening before, I was just observing and listening to him, like you could a kid, and felt that it was useless feeling any anger or hurt, as he appeared so pitiful and lost. Yet there was nothing bad/mean about him, but rather lots of kind and adveturous energy.

Still it all fits into a kid.

I realized that I had not known a few side-character traits of his, and neither had I noticed the alcohol issue. And so there was nothing to even be sad about. Except maybe loosing myself with someone, in a dreamy and hopeful fog, instead of holding back these horses, till after having gotten all the way out of the fog, to see if we’d even come out in togetherness or seperation.

Sometimes, once you come out of the fog, you realize what you couldn’t see enough of all thenperson’s characteristics while in there, not even properly synchronized with what is highly relevant and important for you.

But we smoked together, and we spoke (mostly him though), and he invited to the military museum accross the street from our hotel, as we had talked about the day before.

There as he started getting into knowledge and history, while he was sobering up, I saw some of that what spoke to me of another, greater, more knowlegeable confidant man in him. And I made a tiny joke of it, as I told him, I hate you and I love you. Thank you for not allowing me to become lost in you.

We probably do need to be lost somewhere on some level in our lives, so the best level is with your life partner. To be able to honestly say, I can never feel lost in any place in the world really, because I feel too lost in my love at home to feel lost anywhere else, or in anything else!

The woman of such a relationship, is lost because her man always takes the time to play detective and figure her out, professionally works very successfully with what he loves to do, yet still puts her first, as his most admired and mysterious wonderful joy, who he is always keeping up with in understanding. …keeping up with her growth and development in life. And she does the similar with him, so that they’re actually helping or rather affecting each other to be tthe best version of themslves.

A man is in this state if she never stops seducing his mind, at least on some levels, and being his home-heart one, who is equally always interested to understand her partner.

The foundation of a good relationship can only be profound friendship. That’s what it means when a couple are each others soulmates, ~ they are as if each others lover, sister, brother, father and mother. They are highly intelligent and wise.

I thought Marco and I could develop something of that caliber when we first started getting close. I guess alcohol just has the tendency to get in the way of having clear and sharp ~accurately feeling senses.

I wish all humams to ne young at heart, to be able to get together without any altering substances, so they actually get to experience profound connection.

Falling In Love, Or Healing Encounter?

The days with Marco in Nienburg, feeling getting some natural high on love is probably (now after digesting and reflecting, without even overthinking it) more part of a transpersonal journey, than merely just falling in love together. …and got to kiss each other so beatifully.

Yes together, when you humans feel such good feelings together and get into such pleasant attraction, that is some of what love is. Because all feelings have two main vibrational types of energy; 1 is fear (negative vibrations), 2 is love (good vibrations).

So absolutely and completely yes, we were in love vibrations together.

And weather humans choose to make more of that, weather they choose to be wise and nourish it, so that it grows and expands, that is a human personal choice. Unfortunately most people are just sheeple, and choose to sum and dumb it all down to just sex, have it and end it there, as if they just had a meal or so.

So far, it looks like Marco hasn’t chosen to nourish the love vibrations, but rather letting fear rule his way with the situation, otherwise he would have contacted me already.

And partly therefore, I am getting the feeling that no matter if he ever contacts me or not, the experience with him, remains a part of my healing transformation (and helps me in getting over my 7yrs previous relationship, while had left me lost from my own self).

But in fact it was probably a healing transformation for Marco as well, as he had just been left by his girlfriend, over which he was greeving (starting out with drinking some bottles of Champagne filled with 24karat gold flakes, while listening to rock music really loud, and then showing up at the ugly dive of a supposed to be striptease club (the only place to go during late hours in his tiny town)).

So surely our days/times spent together, in the way that we ended up getting carried away with each other, was helping him … AND UUPS! WHILE I WAS WRITING THIS, HE CALLED!?

…and said that he had been trying to call me since a while, but somehow his calls were not going through. He was instead just getting some message about my number not being in service or so. CRAZY!? And really strange for me to try n shift out of the reality that I was sittting there feeling as I was writing.

The very same day, later in the evening we met in Dresden. I had no idea that Dresden was so pretty and nice a city. Im very happy that I went to meet him there for the 3 days that it was, and thankful for him showing it all to me. Then my friend picked me up with his car, and Marco ended up comming with us. Then we stayed in a hotel for 2 nights more.

We had a very nice time, especially the first day and the last day. But it turns out he has some bit of an alcohol issue, and that he isnt able to connect emotionally (which I had enough of). Bit it was both nice, sweet, adveturous, agravating, disappointing, …

But it was after all an adventurous and personal growth experience, and thats about it.

So better LOVE for me,

is on its way to me.