imagining away like a child ~ creating the opposite in detail, automatically and continuously forever deleting the all self-absorbed, blind and crude behaviours and attitudes. 

I knew I hadn’t the psychological capacity at the moment, to withstand any of the negative and aggressive provocative energies, which always seem to be generated, in most any person taking coke on a daily basis, 24/7.

But mostly I find a way with anything, as there is a solution to everything. And sometimes you can turn a problem into an opportunity.

But I had decided to focus on all and any positive aspects I could find, and so I do it, against all odds, and against all impossibility. And what I arrive to in my fantasy, is almost to good to be true. …almost feeling like a lucky baby piggy so cute, but with wings. So soon I´ll be in shape again ~ all recuperated, and flying free again.

So I keep on doing this to survive, to keep my head above the poisonous waters here.

It’s so good to be here!
I’m so surprised how sweet and loving MY SIS is behaving. It almost freaks me out!? She is so open and honest about …wow!?, everything, even her substance abuse. We’ve never felt closer. And as we spoke and discussed about it, she said she found herself getting really clear about it with herself, for the first time ever feeling So extremely objective, from just talking and actually formulating all the feelings of it in to words to me, feeling safe to be deeply open and dead honest, laughing and frowning sometimes in agreement and sometimes in disagreement, freely without feeling disturbed for her openness ~without it ever being turned against her.
She is totally open to my feeling of things, and rather tries to explain to me what is good in something I disagree with, to get me with her on it. I mostly do feel with her in all, and end up having to chose voting for the better angle of options about some things. And she is so gracefully agreeing to disagree, without any anger and frustration.
She says she wants to enjoy being made more aware of different angles, of better suiting options to ponder, untill the day she makes the move to stop doing something, or till changes her perceiving point on something.

It was a nice long and very connected conversation, coincidentally no phones or any one or anything disturbing us, getting carried away in spilling our hearts to each other, and get tripping on digging deeper and getting even more clear about things, like we both know we both got some unidentified detail of dirt somewhere unnoticed, which needs some search and find, to figure out what it is, in order to figure out how to cleanse it out and away.
This time it was her, who felt most funny over how putting it in words to me, made it tangibly crystal clear to herself, revealing what she wants the next steps to be, and with that as well what the next work years shall look like. Feeling the epiphany to implement some new energetic changes and adjustment, of how and where to spend the most attention on the energy-flows.

AND IN THE REAL OF REALITY, lucky for her that I know, that she is so good in how she goes into what she has decided, and makes the way shine with her creative and humor. WHEN SHE REALLY WANTS SOMETHING.

FIRST MORNING,
as we got up, she reacted so sweetly when she saw my bio foods all placed in her kitchen cupboards with all her stuff, it made me feel so welcome. The fact that she was saying she found it so sweet, how I tried to match where she keeps what, and that it feels so cozy to see all my stuff filling out spaces here and there, that it feels like someone has arrived home.
She made me feel so wanted, appreciated and above all BELONGING, that I rushed to give her a long cozy hug, successfully interrupting the feeling to cry, feeling like I have landed in safety, in unconditional love, where I can let my “deform existence” be showing as it does (so I can absorb it and digest it, to get through it and rid of it), while also totally relaxing aside the process, being in a place where I am so wanted and appreciated, that I can’t do anything wrong, where my attention is automatically being changed to better happier thoughts ~better vibes, because I am in an environment of pure love. This is where I recuperate my health, and I can feel it already. This is where I heal my heart and spirit.

Ok, like this it does feel like having arrived home. Wow!? 

She reminds me so profoundly of what it feels like to be loved, that I realize I had forgotten a few depth factors of what it actually does inside me.

We do ALL NEED a safe space of pure unconditional love, to rest and recuperate.

When I expressed that I felt worried about exchanging the few of my euros, in fear of ending up in some situation where I don’t even have money to at least just leave, she couldn’t believe that I still considered her to even just maybe still be capable of behaving like that which we call jewish between the two of us (because she’s a quater jewish and has always had that tendency to be very stingy).
My only sister, and best influence. My serious, figure-it-all-out and organize-it-all, highly sensitive,  lonely, and in need of feeling loved and wanted Sister. At a time like this, why would you expect that I wouldn’t take good care in All ways of you.
And when you even heard all I did for that young guy, who had so much stupid depth, just for drugs!?, you don’t think I would do more for you!?” Then she paused for a while, while I had nothing yet to to say, and then she said ,,I have to say, that! bothers me. It hurt at first, but now it rather just bothers me. I think maybe you are also traumatized from me!?”

Then I immediately responded ,,No I’m just in a bad place with the world around me in general, for too long, so stuck in perceiving bad feeling things coming at me, used to getting hurt and disappointed, too much. I am not traumatized from you anymore, since those times I was here working for you, when your new job was still complete news to me, and you took me shopping on your bill every time. Then I was stunned, and you kept impressing me with lovely reactions. And you came after me in the park, where I had gone down to cry and wish over everything alone. Then you showed up, and I couldn’t believe it, I started, for the first time, to really truly feel your love for me, I was blown away and started to really believe in you from that time, realizing then and only then, that i had never, sensibly, before, felt such good faith in you.         But, … or And!?, now you take that … stuff, but you behave to me like you must be on e really instead!? No, I know you would pay my ticket or give me money for something necessary. But I so want to, not have to ask for anything, and be fully well off self sufficient and free financially. I know worry is a waste, I’m sorry. I am all lala up there man.”

Before we went to sleep she told me where she keeps the cat’s food, and asked me to please give him so and so much at whatever hours, while she’d be gone all day. And the whole way she was so normal cool and kind about it, it was just so relaxing and kind. All at ease.

I know it seems like I’m tripping, getting high on nothing. But this means the world to me. This means I have good family, which is even good-feeling for me also. That is big. That is huge for me.
And it also means, that I have not wasted my love, nor my time and efforts, our whole lives ..hahaa… We get our own paradise before any death. Together we always can do anything and everything, when in those good connected modes of ours, full of fearless unconditional love and trust. Then we are powerful. And it feels like we can conquer the world. …which is always a good sign.

She told me sweetly to please keep her only shiny pot shiny free from watermarks, exusing saying that she’s a bit fixated here and there. And I was like, no hahaa.. good fixation, I love that shit, it keeps things beautiful, and it keeps them lasting forever.

The second day, she was trying not to mind her phone and was much more With me for my feeling. Otherwise her job is her life, and she entertains herself and her clients with it by using her humor everywhere she possibly can. And she sure is funny. She is a natural comedian. She just doesn’t believe me really.

On the way to one of her so-called jobs, we stopped at a gas-station of the highway, and went together to the big empty bathroom where we ended up being silly and laughing like we used to do, especially as kids, uncontrollably.

The next day (not out of lazyness) she cancelled three bookings at work, and told the owner that it simply wasn’t worth it for her, and see you tomorrow kind of thing. Next she called her mom, and convinced her, by sweetly forcing her to not be able to say no, to being in on what we want to cook, so we can cook for us on her 1 phones-off no-work Day, in the spirit of Mila being home. Amplifying the subject as if we were a Mediterranean Spiritual family.

NEXT DAY
Wow this is very challenging! I feel kind of empty on this subject today, because there are several things/insidents, which I don’t see how to turn around to the opposite!?

Instead I’m getting filled with questions about why I have kept someone in my life, who is mostly too hurtful to me. While she aught to be the one to know me best and love me the most. Especially since I have none of my own biological family left.
I know several different loving answers for that, but it’s not the first time in life that she “makes me” feel like I should be some self-hating fool for not listening everyone else who loved me, and always disagreed of my having her in my universe at all. ….my little sister Ann-Carina……

Thanks to people like Esther Hicks, sharing her Abraham Teachings, I was doing exceptionally well here with this, to begin with, but how do I make an opposite reality-creation of things like this;

Being particular about different practical things while being the traveler/globetrotter I am, I often drag a load of food things with me, because of the experience I have with searching stuff in a different country, and the time takes to find it, if you find it at all.   But this time my reason for bringing my bio health food from Germany was also, because it’s so much cheaper, AND my gut clearly has some issue. While she knows all of this and whatever else gone on in my life, because I can never keep myself from talking about how I feel and what I’m dealing with in my life, equally much weather it’s good or bad.

But I offer her to try a peanut paste for cooking, saying we can make a sauce from it, as I always love to share nearly everything (I’ve learned it’s just a perfect good feeling way to be). ..which part she ruined (as usual, and in similar ways as my dad would ruin everything). So I make the mistake of speaking out from a silly (anxiety filled, poor, lonely, lost, currently now also homeless silly me) feeling ,,but you’re kinda´ wasting this precious product if you mix it with something like a Knorr product”. Which I said in a normal and laid back but still friendly way, a bit whiny like a little girl, in her kind of sweet way ~communication on her own terms “in her emotion-feeling language”, how she would do it and I would accept it ~love. But to which she reacted so hostile, and full of ugly shit filled the room. I indirectly apologized by saying I didn’t mean it like that, I just spoke out from an unfiltered feeling, because I’m in stress, and was dragging it all the way here by train, because I know you will be out of everything, hardly eating, not ever even buying these kinds of things anyway, and I don’t really have money right!?, so I drag it from Berlin to Randers.
But she has no mercy for anyone, not even for me, so she went on filling our joined universes with this personally mean/hateful ~unbearable energy, and keeps repeatedly saying, that we don’t touch each others foods at all, and buy each our own different foods.
But she knows I urgently need a psychological rest. And from this first day on (Monday or Tuesday it was), she has been using the paste daily, (typical her to do tuff like that) I could see it moving slightly all the time in the fridge, but hello!? I never actually opened it to check what’s going on, telling myself ,,naah, it’s just me traumatised from how she used to be”. But today, Saturday, I finally wanted to use it and found it practically too empty to make anything with.

What happened to the insisting by repeadedly saying, we don’t touch each others bla-bla.. and buy our own etc.!??

It feels a bit psycho-terror’ish for the person that she otherwise would be with me, and WAS with me, the previous time I was here. Before the crude substance returned with its energy effects, whichbshe also swore and believed it never would. But ok unexpected ways van happen, so it happened, and it is what it is. And it feels a bit self-psycho-terror’ish for me to have somehow allowed this to be possible to happen withing my life.

And this morning I get up to find my cale-chips crubled on floor ….

I asked how come, and she totally doesn’t feel a thing. Not even a giggly sorry, or anything!? Just straight up provoking my nerves n making efforts to make me disappointed~hurt~angry..

Looking at the sunset-view from her window, again the feeling comes up, how alone with everything and lonely I truly really am, but also how unnecessary such bad feeling life really is, when we can all just be wisely of love. …and at best eliminate the opposite.    I know all too well (from my own ways of being), how we can creatively from a selfless feeling of love, be there for each other through anything and everything.    So no never-having-suffered-anything type of person, or right out spoiled selfish person, or any other type of under-developed idiot, could ever fool me about how things can be.
No cold Scandinavian, German or other underdeveloped minds, could ever convince me (with their so obvious lacking in personal growth) that the entire nature and everything, should be so primitive like their own levels of understanding.

You can only see as you know. So if you don’t know much you can not perceive it all.

And now it feels like I’ve made enough effort to get out of here sane.

…and find better breads, as my environment/my influences. It does feel like times of “Due or Die”.

 

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When Loving Helps You 2selfdestruct. 

…didn’t even want to make love. And eventually he even wrote me a message saying that he just wants to fuck. I cried for hours like a waterfall, feeling physiclly as if it was twisting my heart and crushing my guts inside.  It felt like I’m the old one. …a familiar feeling in this life, which I know since I was a child (growing in a world of mainly stupid disconnected  idiots). 

He, the one I love, although from his view he’s been tollerating and helping (financially) he became the cause of my troubles regrowing in strength, instead of continuing to heal, while he was supporting me on one side (that being rather financial) most of all his help became more and more wasted, because he did not like how the problems were getting expressed in me, on me and out of me. Of course this was causing me to shut down and shut up more and more (~never resolving any of it emotionally nor mentally, “just” accumulating inside, overloading me with emotional imbalance which with eventually becomes mental). All shutting me up and shutting me down too much for my own good, made the troubles start eating me alive from within. 

I felt screaming cries inside me more and more all the time. …unfortunaly almost 7 years ~which is what it takes to create a propperly new internal asset to your existance of self. So I’m afraid this was some extremely bad shit just messing my wellbeing up/messing me up. 

…not wanting to hear, see or feel (grow from it all together) with me as a loving love would do, as I always do to not have a person suffering alone (surely never ever at my very side hello!?) when I can help while it always makes the helper grow as well anyway! We should never be alone with problems. But even worse is to be alone with it right at the side of a loved one. That is a torture trap! 

The truth here ALWAYS IS, that we become full of the effects of problems, meaning that WE ARE NEVER THE PROBLEM, but rather just become subject to the effects, which we are then expressing, this is known as symptoms of the problem. And we are meant to be intuitive enough to at least know that we have to treat the cause of the problem and not just the effect. But obviously not by ourselves but with deep open loving support and assistance. But still most people (being indoctrinated ~ disconnected) will treat you as if you are the problem, instead of treating you like they know you need help getting through the problem ~connection ~loving support, showing you and reminding you all the time that you are not the problem, and we will help finding discovering and solving or curing any problems. …~you are more than just safe with us. …this is the time to make a person feel that he or she is best off being right here with us, and we are solving and resolving anything perfectly, and we never give up.  …NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN EXPECT FROM AN ILL PERSON TO DO THEMSELVES. 

 …the longer problems exist, the more levels they may grow and spread out over, and the more issues they will be causing the person at stake. …which can only show as different types of expressions, pouring out of that person in different ways and forms. TRYING TO MAKE THAT PERSON SHUT UP~shut down THEIR EMOTIONAL EXPRESSIONS, IS LIKE YELLING AT SOMEONE FOR BLEEDING. …thats is sick, ill egoism, psychological terror, mean~evil as the idea of a concentration camp …yeah it is very nazist and narcissistic. 

The person happens to naturally just be expressing the problems, weather they want to or not, for as long as a problem exists, which is a natures logical way to indicate the presence of a problem, before it becomes too much or too late, so stupid humans have a chance to deal with it. 

Feeling fragile like a child I still wish he would come save me from the pains, showing me he realised what real loving actually is and that I’m worthy of real love. 

He behaves in ways that show he does not mind that I have been loved by several humans who were truly loving and really good at it. ~my teachers of Love about Love.   …he obviously forgets that I have learned to love (the ways he has seen and felt me do it) by being loved myself, so I know the difference each and everytime he treats me, talks to me, behaves to me. And since he has children, of course I have noticed he knows how to love ~see and support the best in a close human. So that tells us that he is choosing not to see me as much human as his own children, but as a grown up robot-like adult who should have lost all innocence and sensitivity through growing older, such as he apparently has. …and damn I wish to be wrong about that! 
Though it is a common volks primate egotrip, to only (happen to) love ones own offspring (yeah »happen to« because it surely was not wisdom and conscious decission, but rather natures ways happening to man, showing that he has not developed beyond what nature made him). 

 Anyway, if the majority of the world were wiser people than just primate levels paired with the average of common schooling, all the humans would of course not be ruled over, and surely not all of them by 2% of them / and definately not by sociopats. And obviously being calm and stable has never been and will never be any kind of sign of intelligence nor tallent. 

COMMON OLD KNOWLEDGE 

(one which never fails); The more stupid a person is the more equally happy as well. 

Such people have no depth and do not live to learn but to consume. …also consuming people due to this limited of heart and mind state. They are not learning and growing forever because they avoid trouble at all cost, so they never develop understanding which goes hand in hand with compassion. In fact whenever they feel pity, they think they are feeling compassion. …while the rest of us know pitty could only help you to the grave sooner. 

I guess he remains more german that he thinks. Well obviously living abroad did not change the passive agressive of his DNA. 

Right now I’m on the way from the traumahouse Greenhouse Berlin, to go play with WIRED CHILL at the Fette De La Musique here in Berlin. 

At the same time I’m trying to pack my studio, which feels impossible, partly because I’m so sad, and full of anxiety(still from my car accident) while the flat is not even available yet, I’m so out of myself by now, I cant focus or even access my otherwise natural organiser skills for packing. 

It looks like I haven’t been very objective for a long time, or atleast just not on some parts of my world, as I just had my longest relationship, almost 7 years with someone who turns out to not have looked any deeper into who I am, than just the sex we used to have. And even though I tried the whole time to be as open as I could to his ways, even though it gradually came to hurt me deeply, he still never ever tried to do things my way, and probably that’s why it became unbearable eventually. The only thing he tried was breaking up 3 times. 

He loved the sexy baby (~loved the person for the sex) but not actually the person (~atleast I know how it is when someone likes/loves/appreciates your mind n spirit, ~deeply interested in the person/in the human that you are, with all it’s imperfections and perfections, loving to spend as much time with with you as possible, doing whatever anything or even nothing, interested in your thoughts feelings and views, always eager to know more, knowing you can only keep getting close and keep on keepin yourself close enough to understanding the person fully, as we are always fluctuating with all whatvwe are andncontain, and we’re ever-changing through being ever-growing.

 …so it all points to, that he does not love the person for being this person, in fact he thinks he’s the only one of us two who has the right answers to everything/sees everything right. I should just be wrong anytime he has a different view, as if he has no clue of duality and things having many more sides than just one or two. 

I guess I am more of a classic woman then I tend to think, typically very complexed and deep of mind, feeling and seeing, while he is one of the most simple people I’ve ever mett, rather simple and … of mind

Everyone who knows me, says that he is keeping you down, paying your rent and leaving you 200€ to life is not real help, but just keeping you stuck in all the sad n lonely depressive things. Real help is done with loving admiration and the effort to understand, giving you trust where he has trouble understanding. But basically listening to you and your needs carefully. Remebering. Showing you that you’re on his mind all the time when appart. Bringing you away with him on his travels because he knows yooubare the one who actually really Needs the traveling, just like we all know you always do. And SURELY someone who is on your side, will never speak down about you to others. And not only did he do that, but while you are down. 

I was somehow blaming myself for everything, not even realising that he never even just tried to make love to me at all. …our intimacy just turned into the most monotone and cold insensitive consumerism, and I did not realise that it was eating me up inside untill I was already way too dysfunctional. I guess I’m still quite naively trusting when I love and like someone. 

I even tried to revive our relationship according to his ways/his suggestions of, that maybe I should have some fling to wake me up, so to say. …which hurt the first time he said it, and I was swallowing this by reminding myself how he is n sees things so different, unattached (which I understood in my own way I guess, as I’m not the jealous kind. But then he used it against me to finally really break up. 

I feel so deeply sad that I feel heavy like a ton, slow like a snail, abandoned by everyone, always my whole life. 

I know my worth more or less, but I dont feel worth anything at all. 

I realize that it is the 5th time I live in Germany, and that it never fails to fck me up inside out. …seccond world war is still what their sould n dna is full of. It’s. passive aggressive nation. They are all so professionally kind to each others faces, but without words they just manage to make one another look worthless to others with either just attitudes, jokes, ironys and/or dark evil humor. …gemany reminds me of denmark and mamy of the reasons why I had to just get away from there. But germany is worse in all such things. 
Damn this human race is insane! ACTUALLY WE CAN NOT TALK ENOUGH ABOUT HOW SICK AND ILL OUR HUMAN WORLDS HAVE GOTTEN. …i just hope that spreading awareness really is the good and right place to start, or getting to the place where it’s possible to heal these issues.