imagining away like a child ~ creating the opposite in detail, automatically and continuously forever deleting the all self-absorbed, blind and crude behaviours and attitudes. 

I knew I hadn’t the psychological capacity at the moment, to withstand any of the negative and aggressive provocative energies, which always seem to be generated, in most any person taking coke on a daily basis, 24/7.

But mostly I find a way with anything, as there is a solution to everything. And sometimes you can turn a problem into an opportunity.

But I had decided to focus on all and any positive aspects I could find, and so I do it, against all odds, and against all impossibility. And what I arrive to in my fantasy, is almost to good to be true. …almost feeling like a lucky baby piggy so cute, but with wings. So soon I´ll be in shape again ~ all recuperated, and flying free again.

So I keep on doing this to survive, to keep my head above the poisonous waters here.

It’s so good to be here!
I’m so surprised how sweet and loving MY SIS is behaving. It almost freaks me out!? She is so open and honest about …wow!?, everything, even her substance abuse. We’ve never felt closer. And as we spoke and discussed about it, she said she found herself getting really clear about it with herself, for the first time ever feeling So extremely objective, from just talking and actually formulating all the feelings of it in to words to me, feeling safe to be deeply open and dead honest, laughing and frowning sometimes in agreement and sometimes in disagreement, freely without feeling disturbed for her openness ~without it ever being turned against her.
She is totally open to my feeling of things, and rather tries to explain to me what is good in something I disagree with, to get me with her on it. I mostly do feel with her in all, and end up having to chose voting for the better angle of options about some things. And she is so gracefully agreeing to disagree, without any anger and frustration.
She says she wants to enjoy being made more aware of different angles, of better suiting options to ponder, untill the day she makes the move to stop doing something, or till changes her perceiving point on something.

It was a nice long and very connected conversation, coincidentally no phones or any one or anything disturbing us, getting carried away in spilling our hearts to each other, and get tripping on digging deeper and getting even more clear about things, like we both know we both got some unidentified detail of dirt somewhere unnoticed, which needs some search and find, to figure out what it is, in order to figure out how to cleanse it out and away.
This time it was her, who felt most funny over how putting it in words to me, made it tangibly crystal clear to herself, revealing what she wants the next steps to be, and with that as well what the next work years shall look like. Feeling the epiphany to implement some new energetic changes and adjustment, of how and where to spend the most attention on the energy-flows.

AND IN THE REAL OF REALITY, lucky for her that I know, that she is so good in how she goes into what she has decided, and makes the way shine with her creative and humor. WHEN SHE REALLY WANTS SOMETHING.

as we got up, she reacted so sweetly when she saw my bio foods all placed in her kitchen cupboards with all her stuff, it made me feel so welcome. The fact that she was saying she found it so sweet, how I tried to match where she keeps what, and that it feels so cozy to see all my stuff filling out spaces here and there, that it feels like someone has arrived home.
She made me feel so wanted, appreciated and above all BELONGING, that I rushed to give her a long cozy hug, successfully interrupting the feeling to cry, feeling like I have landed in safety, in unconditional love, where I can let my “deform existence” be showing as it does (so I can absorb it and digest it, to get through it and rid of it), while also totally relaxing aside the process, being in a place where I am so wanted and appreciated, that I can’t do anything wrong, where my attention is automatically being changed to better happier thoughts ~better vibes, because I am in an environment of pure love. This is where I recuperate my health, and I can feel it already. This is where I heal my heart and spirit.

Ok, like this it does feel like having arrived home. Wow!? 

She reminds me so profoundly of what it feels like to be loved, that I realize I had forgotten a few depth factors of what it actually does inside me.

We do ALL NEED a safe space of pure unconditional love, to rest and recuperate.

When I expressed that I felt worried about exchanging the few of my euros, in fear of ending up in some situation where I don’t even have money to at least just leave, she couldn’t believe that I still considered her to even just maybe still be capable of behaving like that which we call jewish between the two of us (because she’s a quater jewish and has always had that tendency to be very stingy).
My only sister, and best influence. My serious, figure-it-all-out and organize-it-all, highly sensitive,  lonely, and in need of feeling loved and wanted Sister. At a time like this, why would you expect that I wouldn’t take good care in All ways of you.
And when you even heard all I did for that young guy, who had so much stupid depth, just for drugs!?, you don’t think I would do more for you!?” Then she paused for a while, while I had nothing yet to to say, and then she said ,,I have to say, that! bothers me. It hurt at first, but now it rather just bothers me. I think maybe you are also traumatized from me!?”

Then I immediately responded ,,No I’m just in a bad place with the world around me in general, for too long, so stuck in perceiving bad feeling things coming at me, used to getting hurt and disappointed, too much. I am not traumatized from you anymore, since those times I was here working for you, when your new job was still complete news to me, and you took me shopping on your bill every time. Then I was stunned, and you kept impressing me with lovely reactions. And you came after me in the park, where I had gone down to cry and wish over everything alone. Then you showed up, and I couldn’t believe it, I started, for the first time, to really truly feel your love for me, I was blown away and started to really believe in you from that time, realizing then and only then, that i had never, sensibly, before, felt such good faith in you.         But, … or And!?, now you take that … stuff, but you behave to me like you must be on e really instead!? No, I know you would pay my ticket or give me money for something necessary. But I so want to, not have to ask for anything, and be fully well off self sufficient and free financially. I know worry is a waste, I’m sorry. I am all lala up there man.”

Before we went to sleep she told me where she keeps the cat’s food, and asked me to please give him so and so much at whatever hours, while she’d be gone all day. And the whole way she was so normal cool and kind about it, it was just so relaxing and kind. All at ease.

I know it seems like I’m tripping, getting high on nothing. But this means the world to me. This means I have good family, which is even good-feeling for me also. That is big. That is huge for me.
And it also means, that I have not wasted my love, nor my time and efforts, our whole lives ..hahaa… We get our own paradise before any death. Together we always can do anything and everything, when in those good connected modes of ours, full of fearless unconditional love and trust. Then we are powerful. And it feels like we can conquer the world. …which is always a good sign.

She told me sweetly to please keep her only shiny pot shiny free from watermarks, exusing saying that she’s a bit fixated here and there. And I was like, no hahaa.. good fixation, I love that shit, it keeps things beautiful, and it keeps them lasting forever.

The second day, she was trying not to mind her phone and was much more With me for my feeling. Otherwise her job is her life, and she entertains herself and her clients with it by using her humor everywhere she possibly can. And she sure is funny. She is a natural comedian. She just doesn’t believe me really.

On the way to one of her so-called jobs, we stopped at a gas-station of the highway, and went together to the big empty bathroom where we ended up being silly and laughing like we used to do, especially as kids, uncontrollably.

The next day (not out of lazyness) she cancelled three bookings at work, and told the owner that it simply wasn’t worth it for her, and see you tomorrow kind of thing. Next she called her mom, and convinced her, by sweetly forcing her to not be able to say no, to being in on what we want to cook, so we can cook for us on her 1 phones-off no-work Day, in the spirit of Mila being home. Amplifying the subject as if we were a Mediterranean Spiritual family.

Wow this is very challenging! I feel kind of empty on this subject today, because there are several things/insidents, which I don’t see how to turn around to the opposite!?

Instead I’m getting filled with questions about why I have kept someone in my life, who is mostly too hurtful to me. While she aught to be the one to know me best and love me the most. Especially since I have none of my own biological family left.
I know several different loving answers for that, but it’s not the first time in life that she “makes me” feel like I should be some self-hating fool for not listening everyone else who loved me, and always disagreed of my having her in my universe at all. ….my little sister Ann-Carina……

Thanks to people like Esther Hicks, sharing her Abraham Teachings, I was doing exceptionally well here with this, to begin with, but how do I make an opposite reality-creation of things like this;

Being particular about different practical things while being the traveler/globetrotter I am, I often drag a load of food things with me, because of the experience I have with searching stuff in a different country, and the time takes to find it, if you find it at all.   But this time my reason for bringing my bio health food from Germany was also, because it’s so much cheaper, AND my gut clearly has some issue. While she knows all of this and whatever else gone on in my life, because I can never keep myself from talking about how I feel and what I’m dealing with in my life, equally much weather it’s good or bad.

But I offer her to try a peanut paste for cooking, saying we can make a sauce from it, as I always love to share nearly everything (I’ve learned it’s just a perfect good feeling way to be). ..which part she ruined (as usual, and in similar ways as my dad would ruin everything). So I make the mistake of speaking out from a silly (anxiety filled, poor, lonely, lost, currently now also homeless silly me) feeling ,,but you’re kinda´ wasting this precious product if you mix it with something like a Knorr product”. Which I said in a normal and laid back but still friendly way, a bit whiny like a little girl, in her kind of sweet way ~communication on her own terms “in her emotion-feeling language”, how she would do it and I would accept it ~love. But to which she reacted so hostile, and full of ugly shit filled the room. I indirectly apologized by saying I didn’t mean it like that, I just spoke out from an unfiltered feeling, because I’m in stress, and was dragging it all the way here by train, because I know you will be out of everything, hardly eating, not ever even buying these kinds of things anyway, and I don’t really have money right!?, so I drag it from Berlin to Randers.
But she has no mercy for anyone, not even for me, so she went on filling our joined universes with this personally mean/hateful ~unbearable energy, and keeps repeatedly saying, that we don’t touch each others foods at all, and buy each our own different foods.
But she knows I urgently need a psychological rest. And from this first day on (Monday or Tuesday it was), she has been using the paste daily, (typical her to do tuff like that) I could see it moving slightly all the time in the fridge, but hello!? I never actually opened it to check what’s going on, telling myself ,,naah, it’s just me traumatised from how she used to be”. But today, Saturday, I finally wanted to use it and found it practically too empty to make anything with.

What happened to the insisting by repeadedly saying, we don’t touch each others bla-bla.. and buy our own etc.!??

It feels a bit psycho-terror’ish for the person that she otherwise would be with me, and WAS with me, the previous time I was here. Before the crude substance returned with its energy effects, whichbshe also swore and believed it never would. But ok unexpected ways van happen, so it happened, and it is what it is. And it feels a bit self-psycho-terror’ish for me to have somehow allowed this to be possible to happen withing my life.

And this morning I get up to find my cale-chips crubled on floor ….

I asked how come, and she totally doesn’t feel a thing. Not even a giggly sorry, or anything!? Just straight up provoking my nerves n making efforts to make me disappointed~hurt~angry..

Looking at the sunset-view from her window, again the feeling comes up, how alone with everything and lonely I truly really am, but also how unnecessary such bad feeling life really is, when we can all just be wisely of love. …and at best eliminate the opposite.    I know all too well (from my own ways of being), how we can creatively from a selfless feeling of love, be there for each other through anything and everything.    So no never-having-suffered-anything type of person, or right out spoiled selfish person, or any other type of under-developed idiot, could ever fool me about how things can be.
No cold Scandinavian, German or other underdeveloped minds, could ever convince me (with their so obvious lacking in personal growth) that the entire nature and everything, should be so primitive like their own levels of understanding.

You can only see as you know. So if you don’t know much you can not perceive it all.

And now it feels like I’ve made enough effort to get out of here sane.

…and find better breads, as my environment/my influences. It does feel like times of “Due or Die”.



Right Or Wrong! If It Feels Like You Must, There Is Something FOR YOU In It. 

When something feels good, but is too questionable for you to just go with it, then more than likely there is at the very least something FOR YOU in it. 

> AS LONG AS YOUR INTENTIONS ARE GOOD <  then it cannot be bad. 

Weather something to learn, or something to realize, or even just a stepping-stone to make you ready for someting else. 

Sometimes in life, it can happen that there is something good for us in what we otherwise know as, or see as, being bad in some way, or somehow incorrect in some way, or just wrong somehow. …it doesn’t have to mean that we have to take it all/do it all/go all the way… we have our intuition, or gut feeling, or whatever you can best call it according to your own senses. 

Too many of our beliefs are rather more indoctrinations than truth. And much more than just that, we tend to pull back out of fear. If we pay closer attention to the details of our feelings (which come from what we think) especially when deciding something, then most of us will find that there is some fear-factor holding us back. …some fear of doing wrong, making a mistake …but most of us are also wise enough to know where there is real danger, which is a totally different thing. Of course you don’t take a stupid dangerous risk. …that could handicap you for life, or kill you for example. 

Personally I have many experiences wherein it has turned out to be true that we are too fearful. Though it isn’t untill now, that I have started to realize and understand this. 

For example; 

Because I was born to parents that were successful musicians, there was alot of traveling in my life, already from the time I was born, and as I grew older and circumstances were changing, the traveling never stopped. So I feel as if born to travel, and I don’t feel content with beeing all year round in the same one place only. So of course it came up that I wanted to really explore the world I live in, really discover this amazing planet I live on, as much as I could. So eventually by the end of my teens I started a seemingly impossible search mission,  for how I could get out of Denmark/Copenhagen, to travel freely, which to me meant changing countries whenever I want or feel I should. To everyone I knew, it was absolutely an unrealistic idea, and durring the approx. 3 years it took to find my “key to the world”, it did look more and more impossible from all angles, with all the discoveries I was making allong the way. 

But I couldn’t give up, because in the back of my mind I was aware of one very interesting fact, that none of us really truly know what is realistic, as History shows that all to clearly.  So I felt that something will pop up if I keep looking and searching. And eventually exactly that happened, but through totally unexpected ways, through things that seemed like they had absolutley nothing to do with my mission. It came through my good intentions of wanting to help a friend to realize her dreams. …which I by the way had to pull out of her. 

Her dreams seemed quite silly/rediculous to me, but I was telling myself not to judge (and she did make me promise not to laugh) as she finally described; 

I wanna be that kind of woman they show in the Shampoo commercial, who follows the time and progress, who people respect and listen to, as she walks into the conference room. 

I felt that this was the kind of thing that she would end up achieving on her own if she really wanted it, as she was still studiyng anyway. And should thre come a time where I could help her in that, perhaps if she would come to a point where she would have to know, to decide for getting more specific on what carrer choises and direction she would have to make, then I would, being her best friend, naturally come to know of, if I could be of any help. And so I managed to pull out of her, that she did have another dream. This one she was much more shy about, but she did manage to get it out, and said; 

Remember this music video from Aerowsmith?, where the two girls end up in a bar where there is a stage, and one of the girls gets up on the stage and makes half a strip-tease show. Well at least once in my life I want to experience being the girl who all the men admire like that, and drop jaws over. 

I immediately connected that to the memory of my grandmother having at home the little magazine for tourists, called Copenhagen This Week, because since her husband died, she was struggling to stay living in her villa by renting rooms out to tourists. And in the back of this magazing, on the last pages I had seen some night-club, for men to go look at girls doing strip-tease. So I immediately thought, I can help her arrange for a night like that. And I promissed her that this, we can easily make come true. She was always to afraid to just go and do most anything, and I figured it was because her mother was over-protecting her and spoiling her too much, so she never had to do anything herself or take responsability. And having grown up together, since age 9, I knew her well enough to know that this was never gonna happen, unless I helped her arrange it and would go with her, and so I did. 

About half a year later, still on my mission for finding a way to travel freely, I was looking at international job adds, and today I know that if it wasn’t for her silly dream, my mind would never have registered this one particular add, about an agency looking for sexy females, offering periodical dancing-job contracts and topless bartending contracts, in New York, Vienna, Greece and other places in the world. And only because I knew she would do it (if I would go with her) I thought I could manage it as well in our togetherness. So I called for an appointment, which eventually became the source that made me discover my “key to the world” for traveling freely. 

On my own I would have been fearful (neverming really noticing the add) because such a thing was not really part of my perception, and even if I had known of this job being an option, I would have considered it bad/wrong/disgraceful and so on. And on top of all that, I was also much too shy and insecure, especially about my body, and I sure did not feel beautiful enough. But I believed that she would do it, and in that case, at least we could hide a bit by being behind the bar, because I always felt, that together we can do and be anything we want in this world. 

She did end up going dancin, without me, with a group of other Danish girls from the agency, and as I was seeing how she was traveling and saving up money, and coming back home with loads of photos showing off all the good times in sunny places, it all provoked me to grow the courage to eventually join her. 

I am so deeply grateful to myself, for never giving up on my impossible-looking dream, to travel freely. And looking back I find, that my personal growth became so multidimentional. …by multidimentional I mean that it is very clear to me, that I would never have been able to grow so much, in so many ways, on so many different levels, if I had not spent over a decade globetrotting alone in a job that allows you, depending on your level of correctness and your level of active intelligence, to move about and in and out, of all different levels of life and hierarchies, all different environments, mentalities and so on. ….yes I ended up traveling alone, some 80% of the time, because she stayed behind in Greece, and it was clear that if I didn’t manage to have the guts to go on alone, then I would wait for her forever, and never get further, instead of using this “key” to the world that I now finally had. 

I could give many more and totally different examples than this one. But I think this one is a great and even perfect example. So I will leave it at that, at least for now. 

If you have any stories yourself, that give an example of how you felt something was good for you, as if hidden within something that otherwise seemed like it could be just bad, THEN PLEASE DO COMMENT BY SHARING THIS ACHIEVED WISDOM OF YOURS.