Trauma-house; Greenhouse Berlin 

I SO WANT but feel like I can’t …even …

yeah WRITE ABOUT IT …about Greenhouse Berlin

(House Logo)

about what’s going on here …

Freakin’ “mental institution” a total nut house …without any squirrels

in this so-called greenhouse/artist-house here, this experience going into being 2 years deep now (I did document some of the visual sides of the fragmenting experiences of winter 2015-2016 in these *photos & video-clips which all together say it way better than I will be able to do now). …being a time that I feel as if I might have been a bit unfit for. But when searching for how it could fit in, or somehow even be familiar, then I find that in personal growth I do tend to end up diving in hard. So perhaps it just happened automatically/naturally, as meant to be, since most everything is part of personal growth. …for me at least. And something up in this place, having been so intense, tells me that there is some clearly-to-me old-related patterns reapearing, messing up my way, and even blocking me, getting me affected too easy. … and now in this GHB house I’m heavier stuck than ever before!

While I’ve been unable to do anything, and as of yet still feel so damn stuck, I do see and feel here as well (of course) I can be anything I want and percieve or not, whatever by own choice in this damn environment, and make my very own extractions from even this place (since there is some good among bad as well, and sometimes even directly or extremely). But lately I’m not even able to be my own creator, so it’s all feelin’ seemingly so pointless.

So “funny” what this place makes me occupy my being with! Utterly nbelievable!

So often I’ve jokingly said »fake it till you make it« and I know this funny tip works in the right hands, but I can’t fake it really, and hardly ever really could. But I’m used to having humor, which apparently covers the averagely known signs of a sad, depressed, loney, stuck n traumatized~anxietyfull, self-loathing adult, containing the soul of a bruised little child, who refused to grow up because of the mostly miserable and pathetic adult-world that was displayed around me.

Well yeah, that is part of my own self analysis. …a pretty common theme of the human though. ..more negative than positive I mean.

When Mika and I moved me in here, there was no stove, just two small cooking things with thick layers of burned old caramelized food on them. Then Mika brought a used cool looking /steel-stove.

At the time the floor was an office floor, the most quiet and neat of the entire house. It had 3 big empty rooms, and there was hardly any things in our commonspaces.

Later he also brought a cool steel serving-trolley and a steel corner kitchen table. But it turned out, as the rooms were getting filled with new party life style renters, that the more surfaces, and the larger the surfaces, the more mess n filth which seemed to be growing on them all by the minute. …so eventually, after a few months, I had to do the most easy n logic kind of sollution, and took the trolley, cleaned it, and cramped it into my studio room, and gave some other rack of stainless steel to my installation artist friend Karima.

You can almost see the steel trolley in the lower left corner of this photo. …well just a tiny part of the handle.

SmilaZ Berlin ARTIST-STUDIO jul.2015-jul.2017

My “goa-corner” sofa setting substitute, and guest bed futon.

Eventually another party-couple moved in, who were a wanna-be hippie and a squatter. And within a week we started having flies in winter! The girl was basically putting all types of foods and fruits and veg. out side the fridge, and all the time leaving dishes n other used stuff with half eaten foods, on our dining/meeting/common-space work-table, being a nasty mess on top of what already was accumulating here, from the constantly zooded n careless people. And all though I managed to do some work that turned out to get rid of the flies in less that 24 hours, while this new girl Clara, was away on festivals, as soon as she returned, the flies (as if returned with her) were as well back within 48 hours. And nobody seemed to give a damn about that or anything. But everyone always comming knocking at my door for borrowing any and every freakin thing possible, several times a day.

But even worse was, that my own boyfriend (at that time) of nearly 7years, started arguing against me, regarding those flies not being a normal thing to have during cold winter, all though where we previously lived together, our compost bin only had flies during the winter, every single year. Yeah a total Narsisist! So anti-team, anti-pertners in life, unsupportive, so mean.

Then this Clara girl broke up with her day&night-stoned boyfriend, and started seeing a new guy on our floor (who’s body hairs were all over the bathroom) and as they had just gotten together, and she must have told him confidently about me having trouble with all the dirt n filth everywhere, because suddenly he had left on the table, a tiny plate with a plain spaghetti portion, way-to-big for the plate. Everything about it just seemed like provoking me on purpose to show her, that he was on her side, (unlike my cold ass narsisist boyfriend). But I told myself, no that can’t be, that would be too childish, but as we had to move all in the kitchen a bit around for the new cut in the wall, to make a half open kitchen, a ton of the smaller kitchen things were put out of the way, and some to the side where this guys door happened to be.And as he saw the little plate of spaghetti there, he immediately started making an issue out of it to me, and then she came into the scene as well, and they were basically both saying, that everything is fine and normal clean, so that I must be crazy. …it felt as if some conspiracy against me, right in my face. And in the next days they put a rotten portion of food covered with a plate, on our now brand new kitchen counter. This time I was not doubting the provocation-attempt at all, but in order not to let myself loose my mind, I turned my humor on it, and made an installation “worth € 7.000.000,-” out of it ~ *see in this Video.

(here is another crazy-world video, of those that i can hardly believe that I actually have made!)
AND HERE IS ONE OF THE VERY LAST AND MORE NORMAL VIDEOS I MADE, right before I moved out of there, at which time actually I had grown fond of some new floor-mates.

More about GHB.

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imagining away like a child ~ creating the opposite in detail, automatically and continuously forever deleting the all self-absorbed, blind and crude behaviours and attitudes. 

I knew I hadn’t the psychological capacity at the moment, to withstand any of the negative and aggressive provocative energies, which always seem to be generated, in most any person taking coke on a daily basis, 24/7.

But mostly I find a way with anything, as there is a solution to everything. And sometimes you can turn a problem into an opportunity.

But I had decided to focus on all and any positive aspects I could find, and so I do it, against all odds, and against all impossibility. And what I arrive to in my fantasy, is almost to good to be true. …almost feeling like a lucky baby piggy so cute, but with wings. So soon I´ll be in shape again ~ all recuperated, and flying free again.

So I keep on doing this to survive, to keep my head above the poisonous waters here.

It’s so good to be here!
I’m so surprised how sweet and loving MY SIS is behaving. It almost freaks me out!? She is so open and honest about …wow!?, everything, even her substance abuse. We’ve never felt closer. And as we spoke and discussed about it, she said she found herself getting really clear about it with herself, for the first time ever feeling So extremely objective, from just talking and actually formulating all the feelings of it in to words to me, feeling safe to be deeply open and dead honest, laughing and frowning sometimes in agreement and sometimes in disagreement, freely without feeling disturbed for her openness ~without it ever being turned against her.
She is totally open to my feeling of things, and rather tries to explain to me what is good in something I disagree with, to get me with her on it. I mostly do feel with her in all, and end up having to chose voting for the better angle of options about some things. And she is so gracefully agreeing to disagree, without any anger and frustration.
She says she wants to enjoy being made more aware of different angles, of better suiting options to ponder, untill the day she makes the move to stop doing something, or till changes her perceiving point on something.

It was a nice long and very connected conversation, coincidentally no phones or any one or anything disturbing us, getting carried away in spilling our hearts to each other, and get tripping on digging deeper and getting even more clear about things, like we both know we both got some unidentified detail of dirt somewhere unnoticed, which needs some search and find, to figure out what it is, in order to figure out how to cleanse it out and away.
This time it was her, who felt most funny over how putting it in words to me, made it tangibly crystal clear to herself, revealing what she wants the next steps to be, and with that as well what the next work years shall look like. Feeling the epiphany to implement some new energetic changes and adjustment, of how and where to spend the most attention on the energy-flows.

AND IN THE REAL OF REALITY, lucky for her that I know, that she is so good in how she goes into what she has decided, and makes the way shine with her creative and humor. WHEN SHE REALLY WANTS SOMETHING.

FIRST MORNING,
as we got up, she reacted so sweetly when she saw my bio foods all placed in her kitchen cupboards with all her stuff, it made me feel so welcome. The fact that she was saying she found it so sweet, how I tried to match where she keeps what, and that it feels so cozy to see all my stuff filling out spaces here and there, that it feels like someone has arrived home.
She made me feel so wanted, appreciated and above all BELONGING, that I rushed to give her a long cozy hug, successfully interrupting the feeling to cry, feeling like I have landed in safety, in unconditional love, where I can let my “deform existence” be showing as it does (so I can absorb it and digest it, to get through it and rid of it), while also totally relaxing aside the process, being in a place where I am so wanted and appreciated, that I can’t do anything wrong, where my attention is automatically being changed to better happier thoughts ~better vibes, because I am in an environment of pure love. This is where I recuperate my health, and I can feel it already. This is where I heal my heart and spirit.

Ok, like this it does feel like having arrived home. Wow!? 

She reminds me so profoundly of what it feels like to be loved, that I realize I had forgotten a few depth factors of what it actually does inside me.

We do ALL NEED a safe space of pure unconditional love, to rest and recuperate.

When I expressed that I felt worried about exchanging the few of my euros, in fear of ending up in some situation where I don’t even have money to at least just leave, she couldn’t believe that I still considered her to even just maybe still be capable of behaving like that which we call jewish between the two of us (because she’s a quater jewish and has always had that tendency to be very stingy).
My only sister, and best influence. My serious, figure-it-all-out and organize-it-all, highly sensitive,  lonely, and in need of feeling loved and wanted Sister. At a time like this, why would you expect that I wouldn’t take good care in All ways of you.
And when you even heard all I did for that young guy, who had so much stupid depth, just for drugs!?, you don’t think I would do more for you!?” Then she paused for a while, while I had nothing yet to to say, and then she said ,,I have to say, that! bothers me. It hurt at first, but now it rather just bothers me. I think maybe you are also traumatized from me!?”

Then I immediately responded ,,No I’m just in a bad place with the world around me in general, for too long, so stuck in perceiving bad feeling things coming at me, used to getting hurt and disappointed, too much. I am not traumatized from you anymore, since those times I was here working for you, when your new job was still complete news to me, and you took me shopping on your bill every time. Then I was stunned, and you kept impressing me with lovely reactions. And you came after me in the park, where I had gone down to cry and wish over everything alone. Then you showed up, and I couldn’t believe it, I started, for the first time, to really truly feel your love for me, I was blown away and started to really believe in you from that time, realizing then and only then, that i had never, sensibly, before, felt such good faith in you.         But, … or And!?, now you take that … stuff, but you behave to me like you must be on e really instead!? No, I know you would pay my ticket or give me money for something necessary. But I so want to, not have to ask for anything, and be fully well off self sufficient and free financially. I know worry is a waste, I’m sorry. I am all lala up there man.”

Before we went to sleep she told me where she keeps the cat’s food, and asked me to please give him so and so much at whatever hours, while she’d be gone all day. And the whole way she was so normal cool and kind about it, it was just so relaxing and kind. All at ease.

I know it seems like I’m tripping, getting high on nothing. But this means the world to me. This means I have good family, which is even good-feeling for me also. That is big. That is huge for me.
And it also means, that I have not wasted my love, nor my time and efforts, our whole lives ..hahaa… We get our own paradise before any death. Together we always can do anything and everything, when in those good connected modes of ours, full of fearless unconditional love and trust. Then we are powerful. And it feels like we can conquer the world. …which is always a good sign.

She told me sweetly to please keep her only shiny pot shiny free from watermarks, exusing saying that she’s a bit fixated here and there. And I was like, no hahaa.. good fixation, I love that shit, it keeps things beautiful, and it keeps them lasting forever.

The second day, she was trying not to mind her phone and was much more With me for my feeling. Otherwise her job is her life, and she entertains herself and her clients with it by using her humor everywhere she possibly can. And she sure is funny. She is a natural comedian. She just doesn’t believe me really.

On the way to one of her so-called jobs, we stopped at a gas-station of the highway, and went together to the big empty bathroom where we ended up being silly and laughing like we used to do, especially as kids, uncontrollably.

The next day (not out of lazyness) she cancelled three bookings at work, and told the owner that it simply wasn’t worth it for her, and see you tomorrow kind of thing. Next she called her mom, and convinced her, by sweetly forcing her to not be able to say no, to being in on what we want to cook, so we can cook for us on her 1 phones-off no-work Day, in the spirit of Mila being home. Amplifying the subject as if we were a Mediterranean Spiritual family.

NEXT DAY
Wow this is very challenging! I feel kind of empty on this subject today, because there are several things/insidents, which I don’t see how to turn around to the opposite!?

Instead I’m getting filled with questions about why I have kept someone in my life, who is mostly too hurtful to me. While she aught to be the one to know me best and love me the most. Especially since I have none of my own biological family left.
I know several different loving answers for that, but it’s not the first time in life that she “makes me” feel like I should be some self-hating fool for not listening everyone else who loved me, and always disagreed of my having her in my universe at all. ….my little sister Ann-Carina……

Thanks to people like Esther Hicks, sharing her Abraham Teachings, I was doing exceptionally well here with this, to begin with, but how do I make an opposite reality-creation of things like this;

Being particular about different practical things while being the traveler/globetrotter I am, I often drag a load of food things with me, because of the experience I have with searching stuff in a different country, and the time takes to find it, if you find it at all.   But this time my reason for bringing my bio health food from Germany was also, because it’s so much cheaper, AND my gut clearly has some issue. While she knows all of this and whatever else gone on in my life, because I can never keep myself from talking about how I feel and what I’m dealing with in my life, equally much weather it’s good or bad.

But I offer her to try a peanut paste for cooking, saying we can make a sauce from it, as I always love to share nearly everything (I’ve learned it’s just a perfect good feeling way to be). ..which part she ruined (as usual, and in similar ways as my dad would ruin everything). So I make the mistake of speaking out from a silly (anxiety filled, poor, lonely, lost, currently now also homeless silly me) feeling ,,but you’re kinda´ wasting this precious product if you mix it with something like a Knorr product”. Which I said in a normal and laid back but still friendly way, a bit whiny like a little girl, in her kind of sweet way ~communication on her own terms “in her emotion-feeling language”, how she would do it and I would accept it ~love. But to which she reacted so hostile, and full of ugly shit filled the room. I indirectly apologized by saying I didn’t mean it like that, I just spoke out from an unfiltered feeling, because I’m in stress, and was dragging it all the way here by train, because I know you will be out of everything, hardly eating, not ever even buying these kinds of things anyway, and I don’t really have money right!?, so I drag it from Berlin to Randers.
But she has no mercy for anyone, not even for me, so she went on filling our joined universes with this personally mean/hateful ~unbearable energy, and keeps repeatedly saying, that we don’t touch each others foods at all, and buy each our own different foods.
But she knows I urgently need a psychological rest. And from this first day on (Monday or Tuesday it was), she has been using the paste daily, (typical her to do tuff like that) I could see it moving slightly all the time in the fridge, but hello!? I never actually opened it to check what’s going on, telling myself ,,naah, it’s just me traumatised from how she used to be”. But today, Saturday, I finally wanted to use it and found it practically too empty to make anything with.

What happened to the insisting by repeadedly saying, we don’t touch each others bla-bla.. and buy our own etc.!??

It feels a bit psycho-terror’ish for the person that she otherwise would be with me, and WAS with me, the previous time I was here. Before the crude substance returned with its energy effects, whichbshe also swore and believed it never would. But ok unexpected ways van happen, so it happened, and it is what it is. And it feels a bit self-psycho-terror’ish for me to have somehow allowed this to be possible to happen withing my life.

And this morning I get up to find my cale-chips crubled on floor ….

I asked how come, and she totally doesn’t feel a thing. Not even a giggly sorry, or anything!? Just straight up provoking my nerves n making efforts to make me disappointed~hurt~angry..

Looking at the sunset-view from her window, again the feeling comes up, how alone with everything and lonely I truly really am, but also how unnecessary such bad feeling life really is, when we can all just be wisely of love. …and at best eliminate the opposite.    I know all too well (from my own ways of being), how we can creatively from a selfless feeling of love, be there for each other through anything and everything.    So no never-having-suffered-anything type of person, or right out spoiled selfish person, or any other type of under-developed idiot, could ever fool me about how things can be.
No cold Scandinavian, German or other underdeveloped minds, could ever convince me (with their so obvious lacking in personal growth) that the entire nature and everything, should be so primitive like their own levels of understanding.

You can only see as you know. So if you don’t know much you can not perceive it all.

And now it feels like I’ve made enough effort to get out of here sane.

…and find better breads, as my environment/my influences. It does feel like times of “Due or Die”.

 

One of the things that WE ARE HERE TO LEARN 

One of the things that WE ARE HERE TO LEARN, is manipulating matter/objects/the physical, said Dolores Cannon. …and I’m able to be all openminded, and enjoy to contemplate and investigate everything, put things through the tests… I’m the analyzer, the deep-diving, deep-digging, excavating, Empath. …with the occasional tendency to be narcissistic as well. …otherwise I would not be such a major/all-round empath, if I could not understand/relate to any narcissistic behaviours.

…but hello man !? Here I am with a totally normal, DYT natural, classic coconut milk case! …healing food on a beautiful, fascinating (unbelievable) fossil plate.


But although I feel like I understand (the unbelievable truth) that we are capable of things that on average will seem like magic, and have since child felt as though I should be able to also move an object without toutching it, and create something out of thin air/out of nothing. This coconut just seems too dence!?

…making my mission seem like a metaphysical pain in the ass, a total quantum comedy here! Well it doesn’t seem to be working over here just yet!?

Going CocoNUTS here!

And hello!?, isn’t there a better trick than using a wineopener? …got a hammer, but don’t see any screwdriver here!

I even tried the “Open Sezame”! …but the only thing I got out of that, was the Coconut freaking me out by saying; my name is not Sezame. …..SO THAT’S IT FOR ME MAN!

SOMEBODY JUST OPEN IT!!!