The Ibiza Risk

IBIZA, JULY 4, 2018

No, I am not doing any normal job. No monotone life, thank you. No linear income. …such slavery. …such waste of life time, to spend more than half of your living awake hours on working.

I am living to do my own thing. I have got to make my own thing and use my creativity.

I’m not a hustler, somehow I just can’t, but for now have to do this dancing job again. Everything is possible and I can do what seems like magic. …so I don’t need to be a hustler.

I have to feel SO good. I have to rest in myself. Totally.

But ironically enough, I have to not smile so much. …not really-Really smile, just be cheeky and tease a bit, and not take no for an answer.

I have got to get the miney together for my wearable art parasol business.

But it is a crazy demanding (and even inhumane) job though. I better massage my feet and meditate on it.


My LSD Experience

It was a liquid version, and a friendly dose for someone who never tried it before. But I was nervous enough to develop an upset stomach. I felt so nervous about “what if”, what if I would start to feel physically terible and such, worried about my gut, basically causing or at least contributing to the upset stomach myself, ironically enough.

But as it turned out, it was nothing to be afraid of at all.

It the waiting time I was being cozy among the pillows, while waiting some 1 hours time for the effects to begin. I started feeling slightly weird in my senses, but nothing more to describe than an effect similar to how different you can feel when you are pleased/happy or angry/sad. A subtle perception-feeling altering.

And then it was happening! …and I felt my sensitivity overall increased. …but very possitive, and that being the familiar positive and optimistic sides of me. …as if it was ruling the way with this LSD stuff.

It felt like being a child again. Bursting into laighter for no obvious nor propper reasin, followed by a whole lot of laughing too easy about things, having humor lead the way, pretty much, while being quick and sharp with it, and having laughing attacks. Sometimes even bursting into laughter before I’d even manage to share the hilariousness on my mind.

For the most part, that was pretty much it.

There were almost no visual effects, except in 2-3 short breaf, split types of moments, there was a vague sence of waveform in my vision, but vaguely and I’d have to focus in on it to sort of really see it.

It lasted a few hours and I hardly noticed the so called coming down. The laughing would just become less tearful and less unstopable, untill it was all back to normal breaf laugs with gradually more and more regular conversation instead of poouring silly humor out.

-part 2- Forehead To Forehead Leaning On Each Other

Just as I had decided and was still in the days of accepting that *he would never call,

*Forhead To Forhead Leaning On Each Other -part 1-

I was sitting and writing another wordpress article, about us humans, involving love and fear, the two main factors that our entire species psyche is operating in and from, constantly all the time. And surely enough, in that, at some point, he came into my writing again.

But in the middle of it he called. …and any and all mysteries got solved.

But anyway back to this -part 2- here; So, he interrupted my whole other world of dissapointed-with-him-Again vibes, so that I had a total culture shock-/jetlag- type of trip from it. And on top of that, within 24 hoursfrom hid call, we met in Dresden!, later that night.

It felt both too neutral and calm, which could have been a good wise or mature thing. But then everytime passionate personal expression (for more connection) would start happening, then he either iterrupted with something totally impersonal, or just otherwise changed the subject.

I felt he was uninterested (in real human things/what matters the most in real/prescious human connection) and thereby uninterested in my person and feelings of things, unintelligently disrespectful with his lack of listening. It started to make him unsympatic, as it showed lack of cultivation, knowledge, things on deeper levels, experience, empathy, which is the general sums of the lack of wisdom.

I started feeling the disconnection, and the arguments we had on the 2nd day already, were just supporting that as well.

3rd morning was early departure in this hotel, so as I had wandered half lost home alone the night before, I had locked the door from within, so even though he had his keycard, he wouldn’t get in unless he’d make me hear him at the door.

So I woke up alone, and had everything ready to be fast down for breakfast and wait for my good friend Alex to pick me up.

But as I sat there alone at my breakfast table, I noticed myself gazing towards the people coming from the elevators, still holding on to, that he could come to his senses and walk over to me from there any moment, expressing the right things.

But I knew already now, that this was my own romantic version of the story, and eventually he walked directly from there, out to the smoking spot right outside the front doors of the hotel, and his walk appeared intoxicated.

I had just finished with breakfast and was as well ready with my coffe for a cigarette, and now I was curious about this drunk looking condition he seemed to be in. So I went out there.

He had aparently drunken with some people and smoked weed, fallen asleep on the way back to the hotel, been woken up by some bypassing kind people and had made it back super wasted in the morning

As I had arrived a couple of hours earlier, I had gone to the night-watcher in the reception, and asked if there was anything at all to eat, and he had replied, no, not until 7am. And it was sometime after 4am at the time. So I took my serious, bad mood drunken face up to bed. And apparently the same regeptionl guy, had followed his drunken highness up to the door, and found him at our door, unable to get in, and kindly offered and advised him to sleep in another room two doors down the hall, which he had willfully accepted.

But apparently there was not enough sleep time for him to sober up.

I just stood there, amd just like the evening before, I was just observing and listening to him, like you could a kid, and felt that it was useless feeling any anger or hurt, as he appeared so pitiful and lost. Yet there was nothing bad/mean about him, but rather lots of kind and adveturous energy.

Still it all fits into a kid.

I realized that I had not known a few side-character traits of his, and neither had I noticed the alcohol issue. And so there was nothing to even be sad about. Except maybe loosing myself with someone, in a dreamy and hopeful fog, instead of holding back these horses, till after having gotten all the way out of the fog, to see if we’d even come out in togetherness or seperation.

Sometimes, once you come out of the fog, you realize what you couldn’t see enough of all thenperson’s characteristics while in there, not even properly synchronized with what is highly relevant and important for you.

But we smoked together, and we spoke (mostly him though), and he invited to the military museum accross the street from our hotel, as we had talked about the day before.

There as he started getting into knowledge and history, while he was sobering up, I saw some of that what spoke to me of another, greater, more knowlegeable confidant man in him. And I made a tiny joke of it, as I told him, I hate you and I love you. Thank you for not allowing me to become lost in you.

We probably do need to be lost somewhere on some level in our lives, so the best level is with your life partner. To be able to honestly say, I can never feel lost in any place in the world really, because I feel too lost in my love at home to feel lost anywhere else, or in anything else!

The woman of such a relationship, is lost because her man always takes the time to play detective and figure her out, professionally works very successfully with what he loves to do, yet still puts her first, as his most admired and mysterious wonderful joy, who he is always keeping up with in understanding. …keeping up with her growth and development in life. And she does the similar with him, so that they’re actually helping or rather affecting each other to be tthe best version of themslves.

A man is in this state if she never stops seducing his mind, at least on some levels, and being his home-heart one, who is equally always interested to understand her partner.

The foundation of a good relationship can only be profound friendship. That’s what it means when a couple are each others soulmates, ~ they are as if each others lover, sister, brother, father and mother. They are highly intelligent and wise.

I thought Marco and I could develop something of that caliber when we first started getting close. I guess alcohol just has the tendency to get in the way of having clear and sharp ~accurately feeling senses.

I wish all humams to ne young at heart, to be able to get together without any altering substances, so they actually get to experience profound connection.