What Is Learned From Abuse

May it be emotional abuse, physical abuse, or really hard times, perhaps everything was plain horrible …

Some say they learned to survive.

I can say so many things.

But roughly;

My father “taught me” that he was destroyed by his own father, and then by his own lifes misfortunes and some few mistakes. He “taught” me to understand and it grew my empathy, ~ I can understand almost everyone.

My “friends taught” me how to deal with/handle people. And my best childhood/lifelong friend taught me how to stand up for myself, and fight if I have to, a while before we hit the teens, in a time where I was weak at a new school.

My everything, ~ my grandMother, Taught me what love is, and how to be more thoughtful and clever to surprise people who come on rude/mean. …how to make people think and feel, if they can.

And in my early twenties I once taught myself by “coincidence”, that cleaning up and organizing a whole (then shared) flat, left me feeling as if it made my inner clean up and organize, while I was occupied doing the simpler and easier version of that in the outside physical world.


The Ibiza Risk

IBIZA, JULY 4, 2018

No, I am not doing any normal job. No monotone life, thank you. No linear income. …such slavery. …such waste of life time, to spend more than half of your living awake hours on working.

I am living to do my own thing. I have got to make my own thing and use my creativity.

I’m not a hustler, somehow I just can’t, but for now have to do this dancing job again. Everything is possible and I can do what seems like magic. …so I don’t need to be a hustler.

I have to feel SO good. I have to rest in myself. Totally.

But ironically enough, I have to not smile so much. …not really-Really smile, just be cheeky and tease a bit, and not take no for an answer.

I have got to get the miney together for my wearable art parasol business.

But it is a crazy demanding (and even inhumane) job though. I better massage my feet and meditate on it.

My LSD Experience

It was a liquid version, and a friendly dose for someone who never tried it before. But I was nervous enough to develop an upset stomach. I felt so nervous about “what if”, what if I would start to feel physically terible and such, worried about my gut, basically causing or at least contributing to the upset stomach myself, ironically enough.

But as it turned out, it was nothing to be afraid of at all.

It the waiting time I was being cozy among the pillows, while waiting some 1 hours time for the effects to begin. I started feeling slightly weird in my senses, but nothing more to describe than an effect similar to how different you can feel when you are pleased/happy or angry/sad. A subtle perception-feeling altering.

And then it was happening! …and I felt my sensitivity overall increased. …but very possitive, and that being the familiar positive and optimistic sides of me. …as if it was ruling the way with this LSD stuff.

It felt like being a child again. Bursting into laighter for no obvious nor propper reasin, followed by a whole lot of laughing too easy about things, having humor lead the way, pretty much, while being quick and sharp with it, and having laughing attacks. Sometimes even bursting into laughter before I’d even manage to share the hilariousness on my mind.

For the most part, that was pretty much it.

There were almost no visual effects, except in 2-3 short breaf, split types of moments, there was a vague sence of waveform in my vision, but vaguely and I’d have to focus in on it to sort of really see it.

It lasted a few hours and I hardly noticed the so called coming down. The laughing would just become less tearful and less unstopable, untill it was all back to normal breaf laugs with gradually more and more regular conversation instead of poouring silly humor out.