New Video Footage!  YES! Now I’m curious. 

Cool, I like feeling curious, so this is great. Something exiting and fun.

And next, immediately I’m suspecting my iPad for being outdated for this kind of task, again. But I optimistically go for it and open the files … and this is what I got !

Yep!, that is all we get for now folks (hehe.. now that I got you to feel the 🌵dissappointment with me… From the Bottom of my heart, thank you for your empatetic coGefühl!) the damn iPad can’t play Nor download it either. Nope! So now I miss my cool little spacious apartment in Berlin where I (also happen to have a “real computer”) appreciate being in my own space, where I have all at hand for any task.

Mini outdated little iPad.

Thanx for sharing this irritating moment with me. I really appreciate your empathetic energy.

…and your sympathy. ~coGefühl ❤️🐝🌱🔆 . . . 🍀
Have a perfect week.




Trauma-house; Greenhouse Berlin 

I SO WANT but feel like I can’t …even …

yeah WRITE ABOUT IT …about Greenhouse Berlin

(House Logo)

about what’s going on here …

Freakin’ “mental institution” a total nut house …without any squirrels

in this so-called greenhouse/artist-house here, this experience going into being 2 years deep now (I did document some of the visual sides of the fragmenting experiences of winter 2015-2016 in these *photos & video-clips which all together say it way better than I will be able to do now). …being a time that I feel as if I might have been a bit unfit for. But when searching for how it could fit in, or somehow even be familiar, then I find that in personal growth I do tend to end up diving in hard. So perhaps it just happened automatically/naturally, as meant to be, since most everything is part of personal growth. …for me at least. And something up in this place, having been so intense, tells me that there is some clearly-to-me old-related patterns reapearing, messing up my way, and even blocking me, getting me affected too easy. … and now in this GHB house I’m heavier stuck than ever before!

While I’ve been unable to do anything, and as of yet still feel so damn stuck, I do see and feel here as well (of course) I can be anything I want and percieve or not, whatever by own choice in this damn environment, and make my very own extractions from even this place (since there is some good among bad as well, and sometimes even directly or extremely). But lately I’m not even able to be my own creator, so it’s all feelin’ seemingly so pointless.

So “funny” what this place makes me occupy my being with! Utterly nbelievable!

So often I’ve jokingly said »fake it till you make it« and I know this funny tip works in the right hands, but I can’t fake it really, and hardly ever really could. But I’m used to having humor, which apparently covers the averagely known signs of a sad, depressed, loney, stuck n traumatized~anxietyfull, self-loathing adult, containing the soul of a bruised little child, who refused to grow up because of the mostly miserable and pathetic adult-world that was displayed around me.

Well yeah, that is part of my own self analysis. …a pretty common theme of the human though. ..more negative than positive I mean.

When Mika and I moved me in here, there was no stove, just two small cooking things with thick layers of burned old caramelized food on them. Then Mika brought a used cool looking /steel-stove.

At the time the floor was an office floor, the most quiet and neat of the entire house. It had 3 big empty rooms, and there was hardly any things in our commonspaces.

Later he also brought a cool steel serving-trolley and a steel corner kitchen table. But it turned out, as the rooms were getting filled with new party life style renters, that the more surfaces, and the larger the surfaces, the more mess n filth which seemed to be growing on them all by the minute. …so eventually, after a few months, I had to do the most easy n logic kind of sollution, and took the trolley, cleaned it, and cramped it into my studio room, and gave some other rack of stainless steel to my installation artist friend Karima.

You can almost see the steel trolley in the lower left corner of this photo. …well just a tiny part of the handle.

SmilaZ Berlin ARTIST-STUDIO jul.2015-jul.2017

My “goa-corner” sofa setting substitute, and guest bed futon.

Eventually another party-couple moved in, who were a wanna-be hippie and a squatter. And within a week we started having flies in winter! The girl was basically putting all types of foods and fruits and veg. out side the fridge, and all the time leaving dishes n other used stuff with half eaten foods, on our dining/meeting/common-space work-table, being a nasty mess on top of what already was accumulating here, from the constantly zooded n careless people. And all though I managed to do some work that turned out to get rid of the flies in less that 24 hours, while this new girl Clara, was away on festivals, as soon as she returned, the flies (as if returned with her) were as well back within 48 hours. And nobody seemed to give a damn about that or anything. But everyone always comming knocking at my door for borrowing any and every freakin thing possible, several times a day.

But even worse was, that my own boyfriend (at that time) of nearly 7years, started arguing against me, regarding those flies not being a normal thing to have during cold winter, all though where we previously lived together, our compost bin only had flies during the winter, every single year. Yeah a total Narsisist! So anti-team, anti-pertners in life, unsupportive, so mean.

Then this Clara girl broke up with her day&night-stoned boyfriend, and started seeing a new guy on our floor (who’s body hairs were all over the bathroom) and as they had just gotten together, and she must have told him confidently about me having trouble with all the dirt n filth everywhere, because suddenly he had left on the table, a tiny plate with a plain spaghetti portion, way-to-big for the plate. Everything about it just seemed like provoking me on purpose to show her, that he was on her side, (unlike my cold ass narsisist boyfriend). But I told myself, no that can’t be, that would be too childish, but as we had to move all in the kitchen a bit around for the new cut in the wall, to make a half open kitchen, a ton of the smaller kitchen things were put out of the way, and some to the side where this guys door happened to be.And as he saw the little plate of spaghetti there, he immediately started making an issue out of it to me, and then she came into the scene as well, and they were basically both saying, that everything is fine and normal clean, so that I must be crazy. …it felt as if some conspiracy against me, right in my face. And in the next days they put a rotten portion of food covered with a plate, on our now brand new kitchen counter. This time I was not doubting the provocation-attempt at all, but in order not to let myself loose my mind, I turned my humor on it, and made an installation “worth € 7.000.000,-” out of it ~ *see in this Video.

(here is another crazy-world video, of those that i can hardly believe that I actually have made!)
AND HERE IS ONE OF THE VERY LAST AND MORE NORMAL VIDEOS I MADE, right before I moved out of there, at which time actually I had grown fond of some new floor-mates.

More about GHB.

Realizing Who And What Makes Me So sad n’ small

Throughout my whole life, it seems to happen, that I eventually start seeing that I underestimate myself, and that this is what I begin to notice when looking deeply and as objectively as I manage, from all different sides,aspects,angles …this is what accumulates trouble inside me the most. …the dumming myself down to fit into life with most people. And actually it has always been the same with all or most of my relationships with men. 

This time …I’m fysically dying again, from all the pains, as it feels like it’s all manifesting as a weak heavy sore body, as if beaten, and then it keeps happening here n there that my guts feel as if twisting inside, squeezing painfully, bursting me into tears. And I try to hold it back but then the pain gets worse and I feel tortured inside till it becomes impossible not to cry, or instead, impossible not to start having tantrums for what looks like nothing.

Gradually after the long dragging end, after so much pain and injustice, I started seeing that Obviously all of this only cameto be as such, because I have been tought to underestimate myself, to feel inferior like I have no right, etc etc. So at least I didn’t do any bad thing, and none of my stepping all over myself and inviting him to step all over me was not intentional at all. Though someone with enough agile empathy would know better, that letting someone 20 years younger take blame herself for everything and selfdestruct. And he, instead of noticing it, caring enough about hwr to see what’s actually going on, and at least, at the very least just not be adding to it. 

And why did I blame myself for everything!?; because he was all the time incapable of understanding anything, and would instead just react so hatefully whenever I’d feel bad or try to explain …

BUT HELLO!? …actually WE ARE like from different planets or even different solarsystems!, which could otherwise make wverything all the more interesting and exiting, learning so much from each other. 

And I did learn several things from him, because I have the tendency to somehow understand nearly anyone and everyone, while he is not even able to understand his love/me. …and really I guess he is not developed enough to evver understand me. A person who thinks he us so perfectly close to perfect ~not at all interested in growing, not wanting to open his mind to the discovery of where my whole being comes from. …well he grew up in one family, in one town, supported and loved very nicely and normal, no constant critique and beatings of trom any traumatised, deeply sad, mean behaving  parent (with existential depression). 

I grew up traveling, living in two extremely different worlds, with two extremely different languages. And such type of duo worlds kept happening to me on all different levels while growing up. 

So not only am I a deeply two brained person, but it goes further, wider and broader than on average. 

I had been at his birthday many times, because  we were part of the same community of people

When he suddenly leaned over to kiss me, I was as if petrified in a confused state of surprise, and my mind was questionably saying; NoWhat-what!? …but as his lips toutched mine in a second, I felt an overtaking sensation, as if physically melting, and then two weeks went by like 2days. It felt so good and I felt peacefully surprised with the situation. 

To me such a thing is Love. But then I learned once again in a different way, how different people feel and percieve differently, in this case I can better say; feel and percieve so much less from everything than I do. 

 I flew from Ibiza to Denmark because I hadnt seen my “sister”/best friend that I grew up with in 8years. 

The one who made me feel so good in one world, started making me feel so monotone and gradually more empty in the new world we moved to… 

Looking back now I suspect that he (also being much older than me) wouldnt notice much of the monotone, when from his side; he was still raising a daughter who was just in a couple of years g to be 18, so his own world was full of meaning and pleasure of enjoying the last few years of being a dad daily parenting. While I never in my entire life, even as a child, stayed too long in the same place with the same people. Every few months I was in a different place with different people, which I continued myself as I grew up into my twenties. Before we moved from Ibiza, I had already registered and spoken out the words that I’ve been a city person my whole life, and now for the first time I feel so clearly that I am so done with city life. And now suddenly here I was in a city, under the energies of my “brainwashed” state of respecting and fitting into this family, and unfortunately not having my own budget to move the bricks of my own universe with ~ without my own freedom to do things in my ways, and/or to do things according to how I feel. Suddenly I was 
(Dad, Ann-Carina, Sex)

Clubs looking like “full of dancers dressed for their gogo and shows ~too much like work feeling for me,    and 

the expectations from Mika 

Never giving any feeling of wanting/having any interest in any more of me than just my body ~none of my mind or anything else of all that I am. 

Not taking what I say for having any value, mostly behaving as not unterested and non listening, mostly by changing the subject, other times by reacting negative to me feeling badly about anything, even if it has nothing to do with him. 

Has a tendency to hardly ever be on my side. …that is not a friend nor a close human connection. (same as Eitan from my floor was showing me) 

If I’m not happy or just neutral ~not wanting sex, then he does not even try to figure out what is bothering me. Rather he blames me for complaining or bad mood just. …as he never feels anything with you!?, as if a human should in fact just be a robot who has chosen a negative program-setting just to be anoying on purpose. Hello!? 

He let’s his 20 years younger daughter judge ~insault/step on ~bottom line; hurt me. ~Teaches her to hurt someone for the fact that they’re (already) hurting! What the …!?