Throughout my whole life, it seems to happen, that I eventually start seeing that I underestimate myself, and that this is what I begin to notice when looking deeply and as objectively as I manage, from all different sides,aspects,angles …this is what accumulates trouble inside me the most. …the dumming myself down to fit into life with most people. And actually it has always been the same with all or most of my relationships with men.
This time …I’m fysically dying again, from all the pains, as it feels like it’s all manifesting as a weak heavy sore body, as if beaten, and then it keeps happening here n there that my guts feel as if twisting inside, squeezing painfully, bursting me into tears. And I try to hold it back but then the pain gets worse and I feel tortured inside till it becomes impossible not to cry, or instead, impossible not to start having tantrums for what looks like nothing.
Gradually after the long dragging end, after so much pain and injustice, I started seeing that Obviously all of this only cameto be as such, because I have been tought to underestimate myself, to feel inferior like I have no right, etc etc. So at least I didn’t do any bad thing, and none of my stepping all over myself and inviting him to step all over me was not intentional at all. Though someone with enough agile empathy would know better, that letting someone 20 years younger take blame herself for everything and selfdestruct. And he, instead of noticing it, caring enough about hwr to see what’s actually going on, and at least, at the very least just not be adding to it.
And why did I blame myself for everything!?; because he was all the time incapable of understanding anything, and would instead just react so hatefully whenever I’d feel bad or try to explain …
BUT HELLO!? …actually WE ARE like from different planets or even different solarsystems!, which could otherwise make wverything all the more interesting and exiting, learning so much from each other.
And I did learn several things from him, because I have the tendency to somehow understand nearly anyone and everyone, while he is not even able to understand his love/me. …and really I guess he is not developed enough to evver understand me. A person who thinks he us so perfectly close to perfect ~not at all interested in growing, not wanting to open his mind to the discovery of where my whole being comes from. …well he grew up in one family, in one town, supported and loved very nicely and normal, no constant critique and beatings of trom any traumatised, deeply sad, mean behaving parent (with existential depression).
I grew up traveling, living in two extremely different worlds, with two extremely different languages. And such type of duo worlds kept happening to me on all different levels while growing up.
So not only am I a deeply two brained person, but it goes further, wider and broader than on average.
I had been at his birthday many times, because we were part of the same community of people
When he suddenly leaned over to kiss me, I was as if petrified in a confused state of surprise, and my mind was questionably saying; NoWhat-what!? …but as his lips toutched mine in a second, I felt an overtaking sensation, as if physically melting, and then two weeks went by like 2days. It felt so good and I felt peacefully surprised with the situation.
To me such a thing is Love. But then I learned once again in a different way, how different people feel and percieve differently, in this case I can better say; feel and percieve so much less from everything than I do.
I flew from Ibiza to Denmark because I hadnt seen my “sister”/best friend that I grew up with in 8years.
The one who made me feel so good in one world, started making me feel so monotone and gradually more empty in the new world we moved to…
Looking back now I suspect that he (also being much older than me) wouldnt notice much of the monotone, when from his side; he was still raising a daughter who was just in a couple of years g to be 18, so his own world was full of meaning and pleasure of enjoying the last few years of being a dad daily parenting. While I never in my entire life, even as a child, stayed too long in the same place with the same people. Every few months I was in a different place with different people, which I continued myself as I grew up into my twenties. Before we moved from Ibiza, I had already registered and spoken out the words that I’ve been a city person my whole life, and now for the first time I feel so clearly that I am so done with city life. And now suddenly here I was in a city, under the energies of my “brainwashed” state of respecting and fitting into this family, and unfortunately not having my own budget to move the bricks of my own universe with ~ without my own freedom to do things in my ways, and/or to do things according to how I feel. Suddenly I was
(Dad, Ann-Carina, Sex)
Clubs looking like “full of dancers dressed for their gogo and shows ~too much like work feeling for me, and
the expectations from Mika
Never giving any feeling of wanting/having any interest in any more of me than just my body ~none of my mind or anything else of all that I am.
Not taking what I say for having any value, mostly behaving as not unterested and non listening, mostly by changing the subject, other times by reacting negative to me feeling badly about anything, even if it has nothing to do with him.
Has a tendency to hardly ever be on my side. …that is not a friend nor a close human connection. (same as Eitan from my floor was showing me)
If I’m not happy or just neutral ~not wanting sex, then he does not even try to figure out what is bothering me. Rather he blames me for complaining or bad mood just. …as he never feels anything with you!?, as if a human should in fact just be a robot who has chosen a negative program-setting just to be anoying on purpose. Hello!?
He let’s his 20 years younger daughter judge ~insault/step on ~bottom line; hurt me. ~Teaches her to hurt someone for the fact that they’re (already) hurting! What the …!?