The moments in a bad feeling situation, alone with yourself, where you still can’t see the possible end of the suffering.

Enough of such experiences at all different stages and of life, and in all different durrations of time, is what grows your empathy and thereby eventually your awareness vast and wide.

(March 28, 2019, Munich, Heidenhausen)

Only a fool ever really belives 100% that the research is over, in other words that the evolution has come to a final shape of things.

Not in an even chanfing environment. This fluctuating constantly moving to the beat of its drum, which we just can’t hear fully enough to locate its origin. …which could almost be anything you creative fantasy could imagine.

Well, …

But with the way we are raised, the hardest probably is, to daily unconditionally (aiming at constantly) love and be joyful over every inch of ones self, so that one gets filled with love and self trust.

Though once you fully do love, accept and trust yourself (with your flaws), only then will you have the right energy ~ resonate the accurate frequency/frequencies to attract such alike love and trust, which you can then perfectly naturally love unconditionally~and even selflessly in return.

But these days, the over all feeling is of changes, from an enough is enough kind of atmosphere.

And this time here now, smoking j’s again, for a whole week, just amplified the negative effects of it on me, in my experience it is imparing me, from being the fully functional and for the most part a naturally and effortlessly balanced/balancing and rebalancing person that I otherwise am. It fucks me up in multiple ways, some of it being my weaknesses getting out of control and all exagerated, for example. I’m just observing sensing and feeling it out.

I over eat, I get all foggy or zoomed in on stuff, in and out of focus, up and down in energy, and time flies faster than otherwise.

I don’t need that, and I don’t want any of that, and surely not at this point in my life.

I’m all determined, in the mids of my mission in motion.

I actually learned something because of “dirty” Diana, here in Soelden. It was not even something she was good at. …more like the opposite in fact.

But pehaps it was just the wrong stuff done right, and in the right doses at the right times. …for me. …to start feeling like, it’s not at all worth it having shitty perceptions about most of everything, too often we even feel bad out of pure expectation. That is just insane to waste any precious moments like that, and it’s absolutely worth everything to keep the “selfinvestigations” going on diging for more spots and places, themes and phases, where you might have some crappy perceptions about lifes something, yourself and/or anything!

Ok finally something to make me (for the first time) wanna say, ten years of STUDYING alternative & natural medicine, (healing and curing pretty much all ails), it’s nothing next to a lifetime of self excavation, while really the minds desire, (hobby-like thing turning into work) was always studying people on a glodal scale, and all in person. …with me, yes personally experiencing anthropology.

And anthropology in there now, surely does add a nother mission to the globetrotter mission itself!; How to be moving on, and living in and with all different levels and categories of life.

So it’s aparently damn good that I’m The more allsided gemini. …and even with a taste for the baroque, bringing me to things and places that otherwise nothing would have. …and my curiosity, causing me to mostly have practically too much appetite for life, and that being life everywhere, all at the same time. …and a huge appetite for the impossible as well! ..yeah ok, just typical me.

And much of that so-called impossible I made possible, even though people called me unrealistic and crazy. But I knew quite early, that noone really knows what is realistic. Best example could be that once upon a time, people flying was perceived as unrealistic and impossible., but look at us today.

I’m realizing, that I couldn’t have achieved my live anthropology better, with any other job than the dancing around the world. Some 15yrs’ pretry much all the time. …traveling freely, roaming the globe, and feeling unable to stay in any place longer than 3 months time without a 2 week break from the place.

I surely did get the anthropology in there, and the dancing job surely helped me to roam and reside on all the levels I otherwise might not have had access to.

So my missions were all achieved, and “realistic” obviously has little to even no meaning.

Who came up with that word anyway!? …re-a-lis-tic. Jaja Ria er en listig tic. …eller noget.

Excuse my danish.

…but at least it is really truly danish. …language. Ja.

…ok well most of it anyway!

Yeah anyway, so where were we? Oh yeah, it was perceptions. Like all the little childhood traumas that you don’t even believe make traumas in the cell-memory, which then is expressed as part of your character and even personality.

Otherwise, only cocaine and other hard drugs can change that. …according to what I have seen.

Yeah coke, and drugs in general was never my thing. …and still isn’t. And coke makes people stupid. And stupid is what I don’t have time for getting on my nerves, and neither from myself, thank you very much.

But yeah, basically people on coke feel so smart, so that they strutt proud ahead with their stupidity totally in the forefront. Because now they finally just feel unfiltered good about themselves. …for no reason, yeah hello, that doesn’t get you anywhere in life. ONLY, you just fool yourself and a few others, and much too possibly you’ll mess up everything for yourself.

I couldn’t believe tonight, now that biz’ is getting all “quiet” again, that two guys were thanking, so much for their time in the club. One of them even said very specifically, that it was a very pleasant experience, (even though the night had started out with them feeling rushed when they wanted to relax after a whole day of driving to the Alps).

But yeah of course, I know what is pleasant, nice and fun, and I know they sat with the more cool n gentle girls who are not pushy nor agressive like the romanian girl I first went to the same two guests with earlier.

Anyway, perceptions, yeah well, actually they do stand clear in my dancing job as well, and that most of the time! The job has a big mouthful to it, in different ways, and one of them is, just one smal detail in it all, going up to every guest and talking to them, …most of us do go to nearly everyone. And yeah the thing is that we tend to expect bullshit (as it mostly is atleast 50-60-70-80-90-99% bullshit in all different and sometimes multiple ways at once, and for the same reason we either happen to hold back with this procedure, and/or not even try going to.the guests as much as we should, and of course your vibration is not exactly optimal either when you expect some bullshit.

It my experience there are only few dancers who have grown up in such a way, or just generally don’t have enough experience of crap people, so that they don’t expect any bullsht. I find that interesting to study on a person, whenever I’ve had the chance to for example both live and work with a person like that. best friends. If I have time enough with someone like that, I eventually get so absorbed in this stuff that I naturally find myself changing, growing, improving.

These days now, working on my perceptions has been dusted up properly again, and I appreciate it. I wanna keep learning and improving, ~ growing forever. I want to feel that blossoming inside, that encouragement bloom, that sprouting of rewarding support-praises inside of me, just like the people who were reaised with a load of such have inside them as if a program. …instead of those programs of criticism jealousy and blame, which my father put on me. It has been crumbling off me, and is still shedding away all the time as I keep growing out of it. It may be a long hard and challenging process of a journey, but it is of course worth the time amd efforts.

May we all become very wise!

Keep learning and growing forever.


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