June 25, 2018 

Such a big energy change to be in the more sensitive kind mentality of Spain again, after 6 years of stiff and cold Germany. …even though it was Berlin the whole time!?

Barcelona has a nice airport, which apparently I forgot a bit about. And they have those small practical and smoothrolling troleys for all your on board luggage, so you can just cruise easy and comfortably around. All of it now, reminds me how I actually enjoy the feeling of changing planes in neatly nice big airports, when you have plenty of time to just relax and explore, while you, during this time, don’t bellong anywhere, don’t have to be anywhere, don’t have to do anything, there is no more check in, you don’t have to reply to anything or anyone, you have nothing to worry about, nothing at all, your free and chillin, and you know your plane will bring you to your destination, even if it should be late.

My thoughts wander everywhere meanwhile …

Berlin was sure giving a bad departure full of tears, making me run all I could in the airport like crazy (with painful blisters on my heels), appearing as if the whole of flight rules were making me miss my flight, while taking away from me all the personal hygene stuff I bought for this trip, incl. an important magnesium spray for the sore muscle days I’m expecting to have to go through. But then the spanish airplane turned out to be even more late than I ended up being. Saved by the spanish! …typical Spanish in my experience. Being never on time but perfectly saving me.

Looking around in the airport, I see families as if everywhere, and I wonder how I can stop wishing I had family, even just one place to belong, one place to feel home, one place to relax, to recooperate!? At least one place where you know you are loved amd feel safe, where you know you and your wellbeing matters so very much!?

Yeah I see families everywhere, and noticed how I feel so alone in this world. Then I saw a little boy fall over his suitcase, and enjoyed the reaction of his father, who just smiled and laughed with the boy, while he went to help him get up and picked up his suitcase as well, and the boy was slaming the suitcase for punishment instead of feeling any indoctrinated selfblame.

Felt to me like, yeah let the frustration out on that bag immediately, so you can go on feeling good.

My dad would have said I was either stupid or an idiot, or something like that. And by that I would as usual not have the freedom to feel my own thing about it and feel supported in the weak moments. I wasn’t even allowed to cry.

So I shouldn’t miss family. But I actually have felt like that most of my life. Even while living with my dad. …always missing that sacred space I was seeing most of everyone else having, a safe space to heal.

What a difference parents make in your life. They can build your confidance and self reliance up, or tear you down and appart. Parents can teach you the feeling of being Victorious, or teach you the feeling of being a Victim. Either of which sets the tone/the frequency that you walk with, out into life.

Thank God I had my grandMother. Otherwise I would have no clue what it’s like to be unconditionally loved. THANK YOU grandMOTHER.

Another wonder that I have is about when some bad thing is bound to happen, till it gets you propperly. Then I have wondered at least once before, if overreacting seals the bad thing as done, mission accomplished!? I came to such crazy thoughts, because I have met several people who play with dark stuff, to curse/harm others, in which case, overreacting should make the mission done, so that even worse crap doesn’t happen to you. JUST CRAZY THOUGHTS! ..in a crazy world full of magic. ..haha..

And so I will finally get to greet my paradise garden Ibiza again. The only place I ever felt really home.

I still wonder if it was a mistake to leave the place, and be in grey concrete jungle Berlin (with my x Mika, and his daughter).


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