I didn’t expect to be looking forward to Christmas ever again. And surely not without my grandMother, who I always spent every Christmas and New Year’s with.
She was, …no, my grandMother is!, The Goddess of my life, my hero, my mother, my sister and best friend. …a beautiful being and a pretty woman, who held those basic traditions dear. She was the only one who always stood up for me, and also the only one who always remembered my birthday, every single time, and made something nice and fitting out of it. Only because of her did I ever integrate any of what it feels like to feel special. And I suspect that most of my femininity is because of her. …since life was rough and hard with my dad, with whom there was no place for any girly anything. I felt that he’d rather have a boy, and all in all I think I would have become a tomboy girl if I had only grown up with his influences. Anyway, since she died I have been ignoring Christmas, and with my ex Mika we also didn’t make anything out of Christmas, not even pressents or anything. The only thing he liked to make out of this perfect excuse to be personally romantic and make each other feel special, was instead just to go to KitKat club for some Trance music, smoking joints and dancing. …which I did think was very cool. But eventually I felt cold, stale, in my spirit, needing to feel love through emotional connection with the man I love, with the one person I lived my life with and gave myself fully to, at the time. Of course!
Now I do feel LOVE. Now I feel avalances of love, moving in gentle and steady wave-like forms. It’s hard to part from it, and by that feeling experience I realized that I have never felt like that before with anyone. Okay I did feel something of the sort with my grandMother, and then for some years a bit something with Ann-Carina, my childhood best friend, grown into being my sister-friend, as we pretty much grew up together and had our parents coupled for half a years time or so.
But now I truly feel LOVE in ways that I have imagined and always thought it should be. Caring Selfless and Unconditional.
This LOVE is what I will have and be given for Christmas. Making a cozy beautiful Christmas and New Year’s together. So yeah I’m looking forward to Christmas this year. …and as well I wish you a lovely warm Christmas and a good new year, however you spend this time, or whenever you celebrate it.