After letting go …
After finally begining to more profoundly understand and start getting it, that I am the best friend that too many ever had, and that I am so damn selfless half of the time, and that I am loving others very much like my grandMother loves me. Basically it brings me to a point where I must admit that I do see how worthy I am of the perfect love, and in the big picture even of the best happy and fulfilling life. I do see, that the question is, ,,What’s not there to love!?” Yes, I get it! And yes I have learned and grown way beyond anyones expectations, and even way beyond all I myself could even have imagined.
And since a long time I can feel that I’ve come to a place where the next, which might be the very rest (of this physical life’s “junk”), is not something I myself can do much about. …perhaps just not singlehandedly.
I feel that I have literally done all I actually could, and at times I even did it with more than I had. Like a true Boheme. My father would surely say that it’s the bohemian blood, if he knew what I’m talking about. But unfortunately he himself never grew much.
My father, my (big hearted loving) sad and angry father, he never grew beyond his shyness drowned in alcohol, (never learned to communicate his feelings) withheld anger and resentment that would poor out of him, more and worse for every bit of alcohol he’d consume, till he’d manage to as if/sort of verbally kill each and every one of us, one by one, just murder us the closest ones he had. …we got the worst of him.
He was very hard on himself, and was of course the best at all of the so different types of work he did. …and of course he was extremely hard on me as well. And no matter what I ever did, nothing regarding me was ever good enough. Surely here was never ever any praise of any kind at all, but loads and heeps of the opposite, any time.
So after letting go,
and then eventually wishing
for someone more like me …
The perfect match&fit LOVE, basically appeared, after letting go of the mature peaceful and long big love that left me lost from myself. Which ironically enough had that type of amount of peace we all wish for, even for the whole world, but the very same mature peaceful, long big love also killed me.
Abandoned in and with nothing but sad crushed ruins of my very own self I was. Not knowimg what to do to stand on my own feet again after ten years. And then he came by to lend me 2000€ and took off to Thailand. But it doesn’t stop there either. Then he returned from Thailand, making sure to mention to me, that he has a Thai girlfriend now.
Even now it makes me split between what to feel; either he was torturing me to get rid of me, which would make a man in his earliest 60’s (yeah much older) be nothing but a total midteens juvenile airhead. Otherwise, …eeh no I don’t actually even see any other options. And I gues personally living the story and all its too complicated to explain details, should be enough clues for me to see the bigger picture anyway.
Yes, I know, I already heard different versions of points of objective views on it all already, which summed up to me in my own words with own feeling about it included, makes it best said, right out distasteful and absolutely compassionless. All just hurtful and distasteful ways to deal with someone (you once said you love, when loving is never temporary! No doubt). If you leave someone while they’re down, then youre not like me, to say it very nicely, and then I better have someone who’s more like me. While he was even 20 years older and living an easy rich and traveling pensionist life, he just left a devoted woman who lost herself in him and his ways, and through that drowning in the torture of his non existent empathy.
No depth in this emotionless being of a man. Yes, absolutely unbelievable! We, beings of such differences. should not exist on the same planet! No way!, it’s not working good at all!!!!!!!! Forget it! Totally. Too damaging. …in multiple ways.
This man was peace and kindness itself, but turned out to be without that very thing which connects us all and makes us close and thereby strong. Simply empathy in all its aspects layers, colours, depths and tones, levels and types, sorts and kinds, connections, crossroads, parallels and depths. And this man is actually even a royal blood line. Which makes it almost scary. Doesn’t it!?
But that’s all over and gone now. I understand it all from all sides, so that all is forgiven, very often even as it happens,
And my clarity on it has been confirmed so strongly.
So many things have been happening, and I can feel so much growth again, and change.
Now I have the perfect love.
I was wishing for someone more like me.
I wanted someone who knows what it means to undress mentally and emotionally. That means loads of multilayered and deep-going empathy to connect deeply through on all levels with each other.
I like everything about him. Even how his insecurity is expressed. I feel his innocence there, but not only there.
Holding on to him …feels like nothing else is needed, like to have it all. Or like we aagreed, that it feels like coming home.
Well it’s like the song goes;
Holding on to you
means letting go of pain
means letting go of tears
Means letting go of rain
Holding on to you
means letting your sorrows heal
means letting go of
what’s not real
– Holding On To You, by Terrence Trent D’Arby