Funny how wrong you can happen to be about someone. It turns out to be pretty insane, how we habitually and mostly without registering it, judge from a state of self protection of some degree or a nother, just to not risk wasting time or any feeling emotion on something or someone that we think will either not be of anything good for us or any worth-feeling anything at all. So we walk on with wrong impressions, wrong judgements, and totally off the truth conclusions about each other, about things and people in life, missing out on reality half of the time, by just seeing the world out from the filters of who or how we have become through our own life experiences. We subconsciously generalize everything on our way according to what we know and what we have learned and what think we know, and much more than we even realise. So yes there are plenty of times where we are totally wrong and miss out on reality.
But, before you read on,
here is a link to the “Soundtrack” of this story! …to be played on repeat if necessary, or if reading slowly.
This song of Tash, is one of those rare types of tunes that most people will love, no matter what styles of music they otherwise tend to listen to. …just so you know. …and actually do PLAY IT before you read on.
. . .
My first impression from a far, was 2 spoiled perhaps more or less rich but old kids in their 30’s, in a small club with little vip areas, surely to be doing coke or some drug/s. But now I know for sure, that it was obviously more of a judgement of suspition, than a real impression of a person.
It was almost cliche, but then not at all.
Later that night in the club, I breafly happened to speak to one of those two guys, which caused him to come over shortly after, and tell me that he sensed that I also felt misplaced as he did, and that I seemed different, and even a bit sad, so he was curious to come talk with me and see if he could do something good, see if he could share and generate some good energy for me.
I didn’t take me to long to notice that he was sincere, and definately different as well. Already when he first said that to me, I thought to myself ,,well, it takes one to recognize one”, and especially when so fast!, but I still didn’t really take him too serious, as my first judgement/impression had only cracked but not yet been washed away. …and the fact that his teeth look a bit grey’ish didn’t exactly come in his favour to me either, damn, with that look he could even be a bad greenhouser of Berlin!
But then there was this little fact, that he couldn’t be really stupid, because he took on a neat battling-energy type of communication to get to me, and made good efforts for connecting with me, and for the most part, it wasn’t stupid at all. But based on my globetrotting experience and my observations of all sorts of people from all over the world, I still hadn’t enough reason to really register that he is actually completely pure and absolutely sane. And best of all a loving and intelligent in that higher way type of person ~ being a good listener and feeling with and therefore easily understanding anything.
But there he was as the odd stranger trying to just be all real, and was sort of, in many other words, inviting me to equal our levels/to meet each other with our feet flat on the ground, right in the here and now that we were in.
But stepping out of our possitioned role, onto equal grounds (standing stripped of our different identity parts n pieces, even if just of the momentarily possition, to be standing open and neutral) is something that most of us hardly ever really do. …especially not while feeling we happen to be standing as the weak one in the setting. I guess he didn’t realize that.
Still in my possition, but all aware of all these factors, I didn’t see or sense enough good reason for me to get stripped/step out into some freezone idea to be all equal with this stranger. In other words, I was still in my safe/protective average daily mode, filled with my identity parts, and pieces of differentiation for seperation, as we’re all indoctrinated to be.
He bravely even faught gently with me for the contact, and made little offering gestures, but obviously buying me a drink was for me just the wrong thing in the right place, just not being anything even close to that of supporting the idea of being pure real and connecting. …nor was this stranger really giving or offering anything of real substance.
At some poin, we were stuck on exactly that which was touching too much on the main (but gone messed up) subject, and reason for my very being there in this club in the first place, so I walked off a bit angry, but truthfully, deep down underneath, I was actually “just” sad, feeling helplessly sorry for myself, as (in my universe) I was there because I had landed in yet another dancing booking gone wrong. But let’s not get into that. …after about a decade of everything going wrong. But let’s not get into any of that either.
Eventually I returned, all changed from dancer wear to my most normal winter clothes, it was just after 6 am, and all though I had discouraged him a bit from really connecting with me, eventually he came and sat next to me anyway, which gradually lead to second round of human-chance-to-connect-humans.
Perhaps my change of atire slightly helped allong, in the bringing me on to more equal more neutral grounds.
I had decided to stay and wait an hour for someone coming with some weed for someone else, wanting to buy some as well, since I wanted to easily and rapidly shift my state of feeling concerned and worried about everything in my existence including the world, to a state in which I would be able to go to sleep feeling alright, instead of all disturbed with sadness and worries and all such bad feelings.
The “waiting-for-weeds-to-grow-hour” turned into two hours, during which we got to carefully and very slowly connect a bit. And in the end the weed never arrived.
Then he offered me to get some of his weed, but it was already nearly 8 am and I didn’t want to kill any more of my sleep time, especially when I still had the laundry waiting, and with only one day for it to dry in a cold flat, all just last day before I was leaving Munich. I didn’t wanna hang out smoking ~ meaning loosing even more sleep time, and to then have to get on my way out in the cold again, in that tired sad condition, and all alone and away from the window, ~ all stoned or hight as a kite.
So as he then next suggested that I just come get some weed, to just go home with, which also felt kind and generous enough, at this point also enough for me to have the feeling of not wanting to just come take something, but rather share it together, perhaps at least on my premises, so I could be comfortable enough to follow my responsible intentions. So (since I was all alone in the dancers accommodation) I sugested that he come with me, to actually enjoy smoking it together. And somehow loosing sleeptime if I’d have a nice person accompanying me going with my laundry as well, made it alright.
He was sweet, and easy to be with, wasn’t socially too anything and neither too lazy to come with me to the laundry basement, and that even several times!, as I had no idea I was supposed to bring 50 cents for the mashine. So up the stairs to the top floor’, find 50 cents, come back with it, and then just realise that it required not just one, but actually 3 x 50 cents.
At some point down there in the laudryroom we hugged, and then stood in this hug for a while. I registered the prolonging of this hug and that it felt good to hold him and be held by him, but I still didn’t make anything of it to myself, than just a possible new good friend in Munich, who I might or might not see again.
Everything went as well as it would have if I had been alone, but his company made it all feel brighter. I was impressed with him, ..with his gentle pressense, but without actually realizing this at the time. …even though I know this was the reason that I next agreed, to coming to his place with all my stuff the next morning, after my last dancing work night, to spend my last hours in Munich together with him. And so we did.
Yet I still had no idea how good we would feel, and that I’d come to feel so comfortable that I’d, not only, get to sleep quite some hours, but also!, that I would feel to change my plans (so that we could chillout some more together) and actually really did so, AND, that the being cozy with him would feel so right that we’d both start feeling a strong chemistry between us. And I did debunk it in my mind at first, to potentially just being a passing effect from smoking weed, but it did feel better than being just that, and so I cuddled up closer. …and from there on it felt like we were communicating our feelings telepatically for a moment.
After 3 days together, I felt different, I felt better, I felt some good, I felt some sanity and some happiness. …happiness in having found and discovered something for me and/or of my kind, something in another human, that touches the feelings in me which feel good, I felt equal connection, and sanity in another human.
We quickly and easily decided on seeing each other again, in just a few days time, so I went back to Berlin, working dancing thursday to sunday, and monday without sleeping much except a bit on the way in the blablacar, I returned to love him …
And here we are.
…in that following week. (And no matter what happens I want us both to always only part leaving good feelings in each other, in all ways.) Perhaps today a bit hippie sounding; His name translated, parting it in in two, could mean latin Sea and german Nut, so I am all … just feeling Nuts in a Sea of love in my universe-(let’s see how it goes or lasts) while the rest of my universe feels full of personal treasures of mine, but disrurbed with tragedy, grief, obandonment/loneliness and enough other wrong feelings to have been causing enough misfortune long enough. So experiencing this here now can only be a sign of good hapening from now on. And I’m not even hoping. I demand it.
He has a cozy idylic life. Which to me is slightly ironic because it’s city life. …in Munich. But even though it’s city life, he happens to live in a calm and neat neighbourhood area of old classic buildings, with a nice looking cafe bakery on the corner of his street, plus restaurants, lounge bars and all the stores you need, are all around in short walking distance. And even though it’s Munich, he happens to be lovely (a tiny bit hippie’ish on some ways of seeing some things), and more of a free soul like I am, but fixed securely in one place, his own hometown.
A life like that is fairly secure and unchallenged, so I actually find him rather highly intelligent, for someone who actually lives that very normal mainstream common classic and not to mention safe Life, being always in the same place ~ surrounded by the familiar and the friends, and having family as most anyone has. While he even has his situation set up so easy and convenient, that his work place is not only just 5 minutes walk down the street (and accross a long square with good future options) but as well it’s his dad’s business, and even quite an idylic and innocent one, with especial/skillfully selected good quality (and bio, pluse even demeter) coffes and wines, and a few of some other small special things of good quality. All making it more less likely to have produced a lovingly differen ~ an out of the ordinary type of good layered person. Commonly that does not seem to be the general at least.
And getting so good allong and feeling lovely, makes him the best kinds of weird on top of it all.
It all feels like a nice surprise.
The more time we spend, the more right it feels. And being in each others arms feels like home.
I don’t know how I’m gonna manage to actually leave. …for some dancing booking. But where else will the money come from!?
Universe! ,you have 24 hours to show me that!