Lines of coke from morning till night, and the past two nights included!? What happens to someone like this!? ….and those lines are not just big, they are fat as well. And then she takes amphetamine to sleep!?
I don’t know if it’s slight exaggeration of my mind, or if it’s intuition, but it crossed my mind/hit me two times in the past days, that maybe she wants to drive it over edge while I’m here!? To feel more safe doing that (as if I even know what to do if her heart stops, besides calling an ambulance, which might take too long depending what happens to her) because she is the type who only has a chance/gives herself the chance to stop such selfdestructive, over-negative-choises, shit looser-occupation-types of drugs, and self-respectless ways of using them. She is that type who cares not of what trauma she causes anyone who cares about her, and that is why she always ends up with people of bad influence, outcast/weak people/people with drug-problems. ….because those you can treat bad without losing them.
Knowing the two of us for decades, we could be having such a fun and beautiful time together right now. But this time around, she turns all into stressy sht, even if she then only has two clients. Obviously it’s what she’s making of herself with this stupid coke, damn it. ….a chaotic over-stressed for nothing, freaking out mad and even mean over nothing.
Should I be worried or mind my own this time!? ….this time yeah I guess so. It feels like that anyway, because I know her; It is impossible to say anything at all, without her making a reaction that guarantees you regretting that you bothered for her, either provoking, mean or obscene, or all of it together, mostly actually. Unfortunately. And I’m not even exaggerating. Damn! I wish the total opposite with her, for her, to have a normal close good tight soulful sisterhood friendship. But maybe now more than just one decade down the road of this friendship, wich always hurt me just as much (or more, I’m really not eve sure) as it gave me something good or useful.
Every other friend and even my family always wanted me to stop seeing her. I know it was because they love me and want better for me. But I didn’t obandon her.
I’m happy I know our Human Designs, otherwise I’d seriously feel just a real propper fool for hanging in there so long.
I’m breaking appart, and was crying so much almost daily all summer, which I told her, …i told her everything before I came, which proves that she does not really care the way (other) friends do. I guess I’ve lived long enough to know WAY BETTER NOW, and yeah it has never felt so heavy and hurting before, I really suspect how I’m feeling, to be unchangably and profoundly out of my hands to stop her from causeing this hurt, shaking and heart-pounding, my body just can’t take it ~ it screams so hard ~ she makes me feel so bad, perhaps actually worse than anyone (becuz she’s the closest the longest to me out of everyone, AND we feel like family). Being with her has made me feel worse, and much more »emergency!« about my whole universe, as she s amplifying how I got some really shitty people in mine. The way she behaves to me and treats me I feel more like dying than I did on the way up here, it’s enough now.
Last time I was here I was in awe of how she was changing, being all ..as we say in danish, grown up and sensitive.
But then as she had started this job, providing her with a somewhat afluent income, then first she started smoking spliffs, and it was alright. But then she started smoking spliffs as if they were cigs. all the time, from wake up to in-bed. I remember hating the smelly smoke when going to bed, and waking up in that smell, ew! But now the days pass like this with coke, and the past 2 nights as well. I so profoundly with all of my being, don’t want any of that, nor Any of what it brings out of her.
I know she would never ever, put up with any of the things she makes me put up with. Hell she was never even really ever there for me when I needed love (security to rest) not in anyway even nearly as much as I’ve always ben there for her. I dont wanna be the big sister nor the mama always. I need a mama myself! I need to experience how it is to feel supported, safe and loved.
On top of it all she is terrible about every other thing so very personally to me. Blaming me/ accusing me of being the one behaving/doing/saying all those mean things that she is doing to me (which is what makes me feel the wanna die~escape the human race, as it feels like psycho terror to me, every time). And it’s impossible to tellbher, to talknto her avout it. Even in the good moments, the good is instantly spoiled when I try. Communication is key, but not with her, because for her it doesn’t actually matter at all what’s right and who’s right, as shee is used to from growing up to hardly ever have any consequences for her she understands every other thing in a bad+negative way, and in general she keeps doing thing to me I can not find any good feeling with her but that one which our HD‘s combined make us both individually feel, it’s something like more whole with one self ~ home. ….when I also don’t want a home like the one with my dad or with mika, where I don’t feel love and am not allowed to be me, not even talk about my universe (when I need it the most) necause I need it, I need to feel thoroughly heard (good psychol. Step1 ..yeah man I’m more normal than I feel or even want to be) then I need the sensitive deep discussion, which the being thoroughly heard, makes you open and ready for.
No, I do not have it in me this time, to take her problem on me as I did in the past. It was anyway always pointless, and rather selfpunishing by putting myself into her problem, which put her in a position where she could treat me mean/bad, and tell lies about me to her mother, atc and so on.
And my help and assistance was never used well, not even used to selfhelp. Just totally wasted all my efforts together with the time and money I spent in her.
I alwaays left sad n broken hearted from her. All-fckn-ways. But I need me 100% myself now, when I have noone caring effectively for me and mine. Not even her, and she never will, I guess.
She doesn’t even have it in her to be unconditional of love, nor to care for my situations or stuff (at least like her own, when not as I see it; taking etter care of someone elses stuff under my responsability).
Durring my traveling life, I have learned enough to know better, and I have gotten to see very properly who I am in contrast to other people. So there is no doubt in any part of my being, that the only reason why I would ever have let anyone into my world/my universe, who treats me so rotten that it hurts, and does me more wrong than the good moments do me good, has only one reason, and that reason is my dad. He is the only one who treated me bad growing up. …in waysvthat are perfectly similar to how she treats me dab, and also to how anyone else has ever treated me bad and gotten away with it just like she has. She has been gettingaway with this mean sht effects on my being, since some 33 years now and that is enough to be over and done with now.
I tend to go out of my way for people all the time in a daily basis, the way my grandMa did for us. So I deserve no less than that as well.
I tend to make more efforts to help someone else, more efforts than I manage to do for myself, as my grandMa and dad used to do. So I want like-minded and like-hearted people in my universe.
And I am not sorry in any way at all, not for my years of tortured heart, and neither for her not having me as a kicking&punshing-bag for her fits anymore. I just simply ow it to myself now, to take better care of me than that.
She doesn’t even need any reason foran excuse to start behaving like a traumatizer ona mission to ruin the rest of my healthy nerves. This time, we part for a few days, and on totally good terms. Then I call her about two days later to hear when she is coming, and out of the blue, she starts telling me that she put some of my stuff in my suitcase to bring it to this house where I am waiting for her.
Being herself the type who’s stuff you best not touch, especiallly not like that, and knowing her 33years, ~I know that meant she was tripping and threading in a mildly said bad mood, in her own mind creating some drama between herself and her own mind-version of me.
I tried to tell her to please not doany of that, as I wantto pack mystuff myself.
But not at all understanding what is going on in her universe, to suddenly without any reason whatsoever at all, to pack my things to actually throw me out, while nothing bad happened between us, and I wasn’t even there. …and claiming I had no things at all around in her flat, for her to pack.
But of course it is the show-time of her careless lovelessness on display (for me to WAKE UP and realise it finally.
…and so yes of course I am missing
1• my yogamat,
2• the vintage handbag I just bought,
3• the big grey/black Reebok sportsbag,
4• my stainless steel coffemaker, and coffe in a glass-jar,
5• my müsli-box full of my own Organic and Home-made müsli,
6• and this is just what I notice immediately by looking into the stuff she brought over (with some two guys vibing like drug addicts and looking so grey somehow) who knows what else is missing if I got to lookaround to pack my things myself.
She feels so evil to me again-again-again, as too often!, through all these years, so I guess it will never stop. ….when I wasa child I was too open and blank to even knowthat it wasn’t coming from me, allthose mean things and dramas, so instead I just was trained with this stuff without ever realising it. I used to believve it was equally both my doing.
But as the years went by, mostly appart while I’ve been traveling around in the world out there, I got to know so much, and so many people, some of which were good caring, loving friends as I am.
I went out to discover and get to know the world that I live in, and this globe that I live on, but I had no idea that this would simultaneously become a trip of also getting to know myself properly, landing in situations unexpected or unimagined, showing me different sides, aspects, levels and qualities of me. And it turned out overamd over again, that I am much more correct and all loving than I ever dared to think, than I ever was aware of.
Andevery time I went to Greece to heck on “little sister” living a drugs n alcohol party-life, it always just became more and more clear, that what I had learned from her and taken on as being part of me through our relationship, was actually just me operating on her terms with her, having to be with her, in her way or hit the highway -kind of situation/relation. Discovering each time, more and more, which aspects of behaviours actually are really truly of my own essence only, and which of it all came out of conditioning me with her ways of being and reacting etc., which don’t seem to exist in me, when out there in the world alone/away from her.
So often when visiting her, I would become stunned over her ugly spirited and dum-ego ways of behaving, that I on my own ut there had forgotten about. ….and manipulating, stealing, and lying about it all, always playing stupid and innocent to people, while she is the smarter one of the most, butbyeah obviously in some kind of psychopatic ways.
Because who in their right/healthy mind would ever make hell in paradise!? Paradise is the best friends who love you, and especially that one about whom people say, and even your own mother says, she is of good influence on you. Paradise is all that, and incl. living in a warm long-summers climate, being young, beautiful and free. No sane person would make wars out of any of that.