Weird how looking at this now …. 

….when I didn’t even reallyReally want to move out (unless into something extremely spacious big and full of good light AND PREFERABLY NOT IN BERLIN). Well ok I did want and didn’t want at the same time! ..a classic Gemini thing. In general I was feeling that in a big city, I might as well/at best live like this (in a gigantic artist community building, even  though it does seem more like a mental institution of some free alternative and rather disturbed sort). Plus it had also turned out, that I had chosen not only the best studio (in the entire house, except for the penthouse flat with own kitchen and bathroom with a tub) all neat and intact, but also the best floor, well at least for the time I lived there it was the best floor. AND I really cared for it as well, and put lots of work into it, almost every day for the two years I lived there. ..on the sixth floor north.

So what is this empty response to the pressence of this building, now as I’m standing here where I can see it? What is this no-feelings-about-it kind of state of me? ..when I have a feeling about everything and anything. Always! 

Then my ever-analysing being, of course keeps searching for clues of some feelings, even the tiniest hint of a feeling to detect, ….oh and there it is. Yes of course there is a feeling somewhere. ….sensing it carefully, this vague little tiny spark as small as a micro piece of glitter or less, which turns out to be there, as if lost in a giant dark empty space of nothing. As I tune in on it, I start to recognize, it’s the feeling of something being insignificant. It is a sad waste, a shameful low level, sad place, a sad shame, wasted good opportunities, it is a place of wasted goodness. Yeah exactly, in more ways than one, IT IS A TOTAL WASTE.

Oh and as I’m tunning in on this shit, and it’s as if growing for me, it’s getting all clear so simply; 

I feel hurt by this place. I feel disappointed. This place abuses goodness and pisses on it’s face. This place teaches people to let their give-a-fuck side grow all swelled up, which results in, this place is the perfect creation to give you a close up and personal experience of  » Why The World Is The Way It Is «. 

Because it is NOT UP TO A SMALL GROUP to lead. ..as that will only happen with a majority of fools. 

IT IS UP THE THE PEOPLE. Which means it is up to YOU, THE INDIVIDUAL to be and live as you want it all to be, as you want the world to be. 

REACT TO THE WORLDTHE WAY YOU ORIGINALLY THOUGHT IT SHOULD BE LIKE.  

 I’m not feeling any regrets, no longing for that particular (big) community life (which I otherwise love and feel like I need, that it is part of my way of living) no feelings of missing out on anything, or anyone, (not in that place) …searching to bring forth what it is that I do feel. This place will only do one useful thing for you; amplify any issues/weaknesses or any shit you should deal with. I got more disturbed by people than meet real profound connection. It seems that pehaps just one or or two or none so far. 

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