I want to go home. I need to finally relax feeling safe again. ..after almost 20years of not having been home, since grandMa died and my supposed to be dad sold her home which was my home as well. Now I need to go home. Had enough of this world. I need a break, or else I will be broken. My heart already is in pieces and I just can’t anymore. I don’t even want anymore.
Everyone is in it for himself. Feels like I’m the only one who was bread to mind and care about others. At least I do. But whenever it happens that I need some togethernes of such understanding/love, then there is noone.
I wanted to leave berlin already 3 years ago. I could have, and if I knew staying here would make everything much much worse than I could imagine, then I probably more than likely would have left. But I was telling myself optimistic things and thinking my man and I would go traveling and thereby get all harmonious again (as I’m the one who needs to keep traveling to feel ok, as I have traveled since infant and all my life. But he never took me traveling! At the end of the day, compared to my own father daugjter experience, he is only For his daughter! I can jump in the ocean for all he cares. So in the end, the past 2 years now, my only reason for staying in Berlin became my band. But now after we have been recording, the last bus left some 2-3 minutes early, right infront of my nose, but the one band member near me with a car, does not offer to drive me 10 min. No I have to wait for nightbusses and travel 1hour when the distance originally only takes 10min. SO AGAIN IM THE IDIOT WHO CARES FOR SHIT THAT CARES NOT OF ME AT ALL. And in the end nightbusses are not on time to connect, so waiting standing up in a winter night for half a whole hour makes me feel like life is so “beautiful, marvelous, splendid, incredibly amazing, loving and warm”. Yeah right! Man I’m choaking in candyfloss and suffocating in refined sugar, whitout any idea of where it all came from. ..yeah now that sounds exactly like humans planet earth, full of brains worth donuts and pokeymon.
Life is so full of love that now I have no place to live anymore. Camping around all summer, as if I was some teen who ran away from home. That is especially because my x-man is caring so much ….for things that are as lovely and meaningful as people consuming people as if they were products (for sex).
Took me so long to realize several different factors of things of his ways and likes (being very self pleasing focused, while he is lacking more understanding than anyone I’ve known up close) all of which was troubling my spirit, hurting me deeply and adding to my existential depression of looking at the world.
And while Empty handed I stand, with noone and absolutely nothing, this man agreed with his own grew-up-in-paradise-daughter that I should be the user, not him!? What kind of user would ask her man for nothing, and then let him leave her emptyhanded and homeless after 7 years?
He always stopped me with all clever reasoning everytime I was looking for what work to do ..because I need to have my own sourse income, especially when I just can not/really shy away from asking for anything. I kept saying I would feel happier contributing financially as well. But he rather have me stay “under the slipper” as the danes call it ~ weak and dependent (many people have told me that, and with time, now I do see, it was like that) and again I’m the naive one believing that he was just good to me, untill now I see where it has gotten me (even I can’t argue with that) and everyone saying ,,See, I told you!” ..instead of being of love.
But yeah let’s just say I would be the user. Then I should be the ugly one!, but funny enough, while he left me with nothing but cold attitude and no place to live but a flat with black fungus(illegal to rent out in denmark), at the same time, he went and invested € 75.000,- in being VIP invited to parties! (Yeah!, 3 x 25.000,- because he made his kids put some of the money he gave them just now, into the same purpose) Ya, he just sold his property and split evenly with the 2 of his kids that are his own genetically.
My dad was just generous to his women, leaving them all properties he had, while I his daughter got nothing at all. He said; ,,No she has to learn how hard and cold the world is, just like I did, the hard way”. Well yeah, I have learned that long ago, and I still didn’t get anything good from all the mean lessons which taught me that? ..only more of the hard and cold. ecause that iss what I learned, so that is what I know too good, And spoiled kids get what? Yes more of what spoils them. So yeah the ignorant “spoiled apples” keep ruling ahead, and the few who are the very worst of all this, GUESS WHAT!? Yeah, they rule the world, they rule over all the people.
So yeah Stop this life! I wanna get off this ride for retarded life! ..and they are all dancing so badly to something they call music, but which has no melody, but rather just a very few repetitive sounds. It appears rather robot or zombie to me!?
Is there anyone wise enough to really love out there!? ..take me to the sunny blue skied life by the sea, and let’s create things worth our human(~short) life-span.