…damn I feel this world of supposed to be intelligent humans, to just be overfilled with stupidity. …that being including my own way of sometimes getting so weakened, that I find myself having fallen right into long periods of down-dumming environments messing me up.
(8 August, 13:55, 2017, Back in Berlin)
While feeling obandoned and deeply hurt, but forgiving and wishing for my so-called love, the greatest of divine wisdom, I order a coffe and a bread with cheese, though I have no appetite. Since a week I’ve only had 3real meals. But who care’s of that when I heavily miss real human connection, of high intelliegence and sincere compassion/empathy.
I’ve been accused and blamed unrightfully for everything that I am not, and for everything that I did not do. All because the one who is normally my only close person here, my so called love, turned out to not understand my unhappiness with the new life in this city, which I realized gradually year by year, that I don’t like, no matter how much I tried to appreciate anything possible about it all.
I am either not made for relationships, or I haven’t yet mett my compatible. …so it has not yet been possible to stay myself and be myself in any love-partnership. I’ve found myself always starting a relationship out with absorbing my self in the guys universe, taking it all in so long, like being on a discovery of a person , his universe and his ways, that when eventually the need for my universe and my ways (to absorb myself in who I am as well) the partner never understands nor wants to, so that I start to accumulate something that feels like an internal war. At least this time the relationship was long enough to mess me properly. Other relationships have only lasted a few months, just a little past that stage when the guy is getting all paranoid over me having more sides than just the all absorbed in him and his ways only. Seeing me for example enjoying connections with friends, was always somehow unaceptable, giving me a feeling that he wants me to be all timid and hide behind him in silence. …while I am quite the opposite of that, unless I feel ill, or otherwise suffering.
As I sit down outside with my coffe, there is only shade and cold wind. Yet the only thing I appreciate is the weather being standable for sitting outside as I can’t stand the state of my new place to stay.
It’s as if I only have two sides now, allthough I naturally have a million sides and never fail to understand any other person deeply. Now my sadness feels growing so fast, overtaking all the space of the world and suffocating all my other sides, so that the misserable side is predominating and searching my universe to see the things I can and should be greatfull for, while they are almost impossible to see through all the seemingly opposite stuff, so that I struggle for finding what to be grateful for, to be feeling gatitude, as I can hardly breathe from sadness again.
…it’s been 6 years like this. I know I have been with the wrong partner, because I know myself so well, and always seem to know what to do with saddness, especially sadness in others, unlike he who just reacts and responds without empathy and interest in what would make his lover happy. Never interested in what she might like want or need, so that I couldn’t even express it to him, although I otherwise am the perfect describer and explainer who can convince most anyone about anything I feel strongly for. This is the first time that I have lost myself completely in another person. ~through living according to another persons likes and whole lifestyle. And then once I start listening to how I feel, inorder to get well, then I am blamed for being intollerant. …it makes me feel like I’m dying from within, it made me trapped and tortured inside, and the more I tried to listen to the screaming voice inside, to solve the issues so I could come back to feeling good the more hate I’d get.
And we are not at all done in dealing with each other. Because I am the one stuck with nothing bt a carreer that I’m no longer you enough for, while he just sold his house for a coupple of million and shared the profits with his two children, and “invested” each one 25.000€ in a non-profitable genossenschaft(the germans call it) which brings you more parties where you are on the guest-list rather than any real profits. …exactly the kind of stuff which is nothing but ignorant and empty. …the kind of stuff that wakes up my existential depression.
Stranded with nothing, he tries to help me but at the same time behaves in those passive agressive and narcisistic ways to me, so that I feel more completely broken in pieces, so heavily sad inside that I don’t even recognize me in how I keep giving up over the smallest things, amd hurt way more easily and so much more deeply than I ever normally would.
How to stay above it all? …above all the surroundings that can only discord with my wellbeing, because there suddenly are no good-feeling things nor people around …it’s like someone starving, feeling weak and ill, while there is noone around who has the heart to see, and the only food to be found anywhere, is rotten and surely will make the person more sick.
How to remember my own words and views when I keep loosing sight of all the good and all my wisdom seems to vanish?
In the evening of yesterday we arrived to put me with my suitcases in the appartment from a friend of my ex. The flat seems located well, in being closer to the very center if this city. Though the neighborhood right around is that of a low sad working class level, with no cosmopolitan things to it around.
The two nights before ended up surprising me, as Imstarted feeling good while I stayed in a average but neat n new looking hotel on a pretty quiet street, but right around the corner from a Plaza with cafes, restaurants and little independent boutiques. I arrived being as sad as the two times in my life before, where I experienced all material things having no value, just like the majority of people who behave as if they have no value, which all made me walk away from my life at that time with nothing but my awareness of what is good and how I want to live a life full of love and adventures of traveling and being at what to me feels like the center of life, which I am the one creating most of the time when I’m feeling good and moving about in the world.
Waking up this morning, I’m just a bag full of tears fears and pains!, all the neck n shoulder pains are back, as well as this overheavy sadness which makes me so dysfunctional and discouraged resulting in feeling senslessly but helplessly anxiety-struck wishing that I could just exit from this world full of idiots. Stop the planet and get off in a better/more actively intelligent place.
How to remember all my wisdom when my surroundings make me have to dum myself down for so long that I feel my intelligence all ill from this poison of stupidity!? …now when everything looks so bad for so long, that I just can’t keep remembering that it’s supposedly all just illusion, all this idiotizm that has finally gotten me all the way down bellow the scraping of the bottom, feeling so dum and dysfunctional.
Shitty ugly low-ceiling apartment! It began dawning on me last night, that it is not only the open kitchen that smells, but the whole place, even the walls. And everything is stained and dirty. And it turns out that there is a black mold growing by the front door. …so obviously I can not move in there. But I just know that he will not care about that being a very dangerous mold. Fck if I get deadly sick and caugh up blood, that is just life in his eyes.
Wish I had grown up with a good dad, instead of a mean evil messed up dad who messed me up, instead of teaching me the kind of self-love and self-worth, which would have made me find a very intelligent man who cares about me at least as much as I care about him. …yeah I do see it now, how our childhood makes all these so-called blueprints, which we then live our lives through. DAMN IT!
Guts Of My Universe - Journaling by SmilaZ 