Was feeling tortured with countless small traumas having become too many. Came down here feeling not only heartbroken but also as if guts broken inside.
I managed, my cousins bad way of taking my state of feeling, very well though.
Crazy; first pressuring me to relax and unwind on commando, then accusing me of lying, by insisting that I surely must have been taking hard drugs in Berlin. Not wanting to believe me = accused of lying. And every day stressing with total nonsense, and off and on doing something disrespectfull or provoking, and suddenly bossing me around, even though I several times told him I will do anything for you, if you just please ask me nicely. But no. Instead he was behaving increasingly ugly to me, as he does to his boyfriend of 8 years.
I kept telling myself he’s also suffering inside obviously somehow. …telling myself to not take it personal all the damn time. …telling myself we are just both in a torturing period of time. And eventually I started wondering what I could possibly make him happy with. …planning inside myself that as soon as I can, as soon as I see something of a good option for a good something, I could warm his cold troubled heart with.
It was approx. 3 weeks with him here now… and only the 2nd time we see each other since we were babies. …and I was so happy to connect so nicely and being like good friends with someone from my long lost family that I dont really know. Typical of my family, all spread out around the world .
So I had gotten all hopefull that we’d go on like this. …and that now I would get to know and reconnected with some of the family left from my fathers side here in Czech Republic. Dreamy romantic me, let myself get disappointed and hurt again.
But now … we’re done. The nice is over and gone. Im done with him and everyone else behaving in those ways that torture me inside.
I’m done with underestimating what hurts, excusing to myself inside my head every other persons for their hurtful sht! …and like most of us telling myself that I’m a grown up who can take things, that its nothing but minor thing, that it’s just part of life and blabla… Fck no! Basically we volunteer to be like a dartboard!? …and pretending that nothing hurts. ..till one day you break appart. Fck no!
Since the violent disappointment that it all ended with, with my cousin, I feel this insane overload, not any more cup flowing over several times a year ~ to then every few months ~ then every month ~ to then every few weeks ~ to then every week ~ and when I came down here from Berlin it was every day ~ and now it’s several times a day. …that I’m fighting the feeling to cry, over and over, untill I’m bursting into tears at some point. …over what seems like nothing, while it’s of course a massive amounts of invisible torturing things, having accumulated inside.
The only thing that easens this now, is being barefoot in the nature, sitting or walking on grass, soil or stone. Atleast now I know that grounding with yourself with the earth is all true. It took this much for me to really feel it so noticably that I have no boubt now.
But that cures nothing, and heals nothing.
I don’t wanna go on like this anymore. I cant go on like this anymore.
I’m not able to accomplish a thing no matter how willing and wanting. Even just looking in my suitcase for something I promised to give to my friend Lenka (who saved me from having no place to go after my cousin-drama, I started panicking n crying, feeling hopeless that I can’t find it, feeling like; oh no she’s gonna be all unhappy and anoyed if I doesn’t have at least this little thing that she needs, felling its the least I can do.
I keep bursting into tears …and my upper back from the neck down hurts in a new way, no matter now I stretch it just like bruises, stones and needles in my muscles and bones.
Sitting here outside her house again, desperate to get physically emotionally and mentally well. Afraid of the moment when I have to go inside, because the terrible feelings of inner torture start comming back with evvery step I take once shoes are on/disconnected with the earth. And as I make this statement, I’m sure that most peoplebwho would hear this, will think it’s just my imagination. …so would I, originally.
I hate drugs. I don’t like what I see it doing to people. I used to say I wish drugs would be persons, so Incould just kill them to save the people I love. But now I want to give myself to be healed or killed by Iboga and Ayahuasca. Doesn’t really matter now.
PLEASE TAKE ME THERE and cure me from all the torturing traumaPains.
Or else let me go from his Life.