Sitting here stranded. 

In front of Lenka’s house.

…feeling lost in the world of humans. 
They always love my attention, my company, my caring, my opinions, viewpoints and advice. I’ve always been the resolving aid, the loving help and assistance when anyone is hurting and troubled. And we always resolve, heal and solve. 

But whenever I need such understanding, noone has any real depth, except copies seen and heard, ~ noone is ever empathetic enough. Noone cares enough. It’s always been like this, and for many years I knew it so well, from too many years of tears. So I had decided that; as long as I’m free and traveling it’s a bit easier, I never stay anywhere long enough to get too grounded in with this superficial human world. And my dancing job kept me free that way, including financially, just enough to never really Have To need anyone really. It kept me safe from hurting too much too deep, like this right now, and I managed to stay independent enough to stay alone with the sad sht’ I can see (without trying) everywhere. Easily keeping enough ballance with the beauty of this planet, seeing new places nearly all the time, often enough to never have to start dwelling to much on all the suffering we can see everywhere. Without ever having to let my heart and guts get crushed so easy, simply by never having to ask anyone for anything. 

I guess at some point my granMother had been gone long enough for me to start feeling too tired ~ exhausted, as the last time I really rested my soul, was as always only at her place ~ my home. So after some decade without her ~my home, I was worn out, but too strong to give into burnout, so that it just started returning all the time, and I’d continue working …having the hardest time earning as good as most other dancers, as I was never more money-driven than humane-driven. I was always more interested in people and connecting truly. Lying also sits to bad with me, so I simply refrain from it, feeling how I live really truly instead without it. Lying is borring and chicken/fearful, wasting time totally by making it all full of fake, rather than living full on for real, and truly all the time, since we have so little time. And I honestly don’t wanna keep coming back here to these damn humans for another life time. …so I cant even just exit by own choise. 

KEEPING IT REAL SETS YOU FREE. 

KEEPING IT TRUE LIKE STANDING TALL, MAKES YOU GRADUALLY SEE THROUGH IT ALL. 

When I am open as I am, without fighting against it ~ without trying to be closed and private, then people show who they are so fast. 

I have realised this time around that I rather want to make friends NOT when I’m doing all well and feeling good, because of course you’re easy to love when you’re happy. And I don’t wanna waste time killing my spirit like that, finding out later when shit hits the fan how much more sht’ I have been collecting in people without having a decent chance to know of it. So making friends while I’m down is the right thing for me, and only those friends are worthy of me , worthy of how I am like a different super person when I’m happy and well ~ all good for everyone. 

I don’t wanna love people who turn out not to be worth any good. It just hurts so much too much …and I’m tired of dying inside. 

Each time, I start getting all ill from it in different ways, both physically and emotionally, and from there on it goes to overload the mental, and I will not volunteer like that to eventually break. 

My cousin turned out to be one of those passing fata morgana disappointments that traumatize my heart soul n spirit. A poser mentality who has the need for some kind of show off all the time, no matter how small, even if just the feeling of it without anyone else really noticing it. And surely there is no show off with a sad beat up, lost n down low cousin like me right now. All it took to see his fuller character was;  

  • me being so deeply in need of some lovely safety feeling for a while (some family feeling) 
  • and some friend of his judging me and summing me down to; sure she must have been on heavy drugs in Berlin 

…while I’m against drugs all my life, even being surrounded by it in my job I hardly even noticed any of it, and I didn’t even start smoking splifs in my evenings untill I had an accident that caused me a gigantic panic attack (shaking in sucha crazy was as if an epileptic seasure was happening) which, sure enough, left me with anxiety. Otherwise I always had something at home for friends to smoke, and I never touched it.  …eventually it was all dried out, and I was told it had no effect. 

I’m used to not having any family, while everyone around me seems to have all that normal life going on. Always made me feel longing for family when looking at them. So I “can’t afford” and I’m not interested in any more average brained lowlife/Sheeple with their stupid worthless minds, entertainment addictions and cold downpulling crap mentalities. …and their fake ~ copied identities. Not in my life. Thank you but no thank you. 

Been there ~ Done that ~ Got all the scars. …and they hurt so bad everytime another toxic human poisons my lovely world. 

I can not stop my system from going through everything, all different things, over and over again from different angles. 

My system has it’s own ways, and I respect that. It’s one of those treasure things that one can hate or appreciate. It’s one of those things that I understand and know so well but can’t really explain perfectly. 

My system is working, while I just have to stand the pains of it all.   …and it does always include forgiving. …that part seems to be just part of it all, happening just as naturally as the rest. 
My system is working it all out while it tortures me. Psychologically, emotionally and mentally, analysing, solving puzzles, searching for resolutions, solutions, deeper wider broader understanding. …working my way through all what hurts so bad. 

I feel so sad that my body hurts inside and feels so heavy. PLEASE GET DONE WITH IT ALL.  

Where I was sitting, 3hours OnTheRockBlocks writing.
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