Maybe not ! 

…these days I feel again as after most relationships, that I don’t know how to feel free~be free inside the world of living in a relationship. 

People go from intimacy to intimacy like all the spoiled kids I’ve ever known go through toys, with the (to me) same kind of shallowness without depth/proper connection. …consuming each other instead of connecting with each other. And even if occasionally a unique situation exists, as it sometimes does, I need to find myself again after almost every relationship. I feel different than most people I know. Most people seem to always live in a relationship. I’m used to being single, and also mostly being alone. …because sometime in life I find my self as if only sirrounded by stupid and ugly characters, which seems so insane ~as if I should be so damn brilliant or something, which I sure don’t feel like. 
IN THIS WORLD obviously to me, first of all and everything, I have got to be financially independent enough to be really free in my own bouble of mila-world stuff. …so I stand on my own feet as I am used to. …thanks tried it finally and properly, but no thanx. 

I wanna have real/profound friendship. 

I wanna if eventually a partner for life, who is “more”(~less) than a friend, then it’s first of all mainly profound connection of friendship-love, much more than lover-love what we have. 

Otherwise I’m also ready happy with just being a team for life and living with a best friend. …could be my cousin. I will know once I’m significantly better again, possibly/more than likely that means »free on my own feet again«. 

I suspect since always, that I’m not a classic relationship person. It’s soul-mates quality connections between two (or more) people, otherwise it’s nothing-but-a passing growth-story. …and I can grow fine on my own without lovers. 

…but I aleays end up wondering at some point, if it isnt basically all just rooted blueprint stuff from growing up mostly with my dad, a living hell. …while my grandMother was my best friend, my real team, my mom, my most prescious person in the world of all and everyone, consciously my favorite friend since I was a teenager. 

 I really only need connection. Sex is only an occassional natural high, that I don’t necessarily always feel like sharing with anyone. 

  • To hell with all industrializations of what once was balanced human nature, without addictions and all health and hormones going ape-shit in all different directions. 

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